Recently I went to see "X-Men: Days of Future Past." I freakin' loved it. First of all, I love the X-Men series because it works on so many levels. The most important level? Eye candy. And oh does this movie have some serious eye candy. Hugh Jackman, Jennifer Lawrence, Michael Fassbender, James McAvoy, Nicholas Hoult, and Hugh Jackman's butt all in one movie? Yes, PLEASE!
Much as I loved the film, however, I couldn't help but walk away with a slight headache. Why? The movie involves time travel. It is a law, irrevocably decreed in Hollywood, that any movie or TV show involving time travel must make my head hurt in some way. It's unavoidable. I will say that this one was less headache inducing than others, but still...the nagging questions were there.
As I was trying to sort out these nagging issues, I found myself thinking of other time travel stories. Rumor has it that Bryan Singer (director of several of the X-Men films) chatted with James Cameron about how to make time travel (JC being king of the Terminator universe and all). I could definitely see some parallels. Then slowly --- most likely because I'm losing my mind from orientation stress --- all these time travel epics starting meshing together in mind. "I have to write about this," I thought, "to save my sanity...or something. I don't know. Whatever. I'm blogging. Shut up, inner monologue, and just let me type."
And so my friends, I give to you...
The Wolverinator: Somewhere Back in Quantum's Future
DISCLAIMER: I wasn't sure whether or not to put a spoiler alert in here. I've mixed so many things together I don't know that I'll really spoil any of them. But if you're worried about anything being ruined for you (or if you're just concerned about your head spinning from all this time travel talk) you might want to skip this one.
***The movie opens on a bleak scene. Bones are strewn across the land. The sun doesn't shine because the world is on a 24/7 smog alert. Suddenly, a monotone foreboding voice is heard...***
VOICEOVER: August 29th, 2023. The world lay in ruins. Sentinels --- ruthless, killing machines designed to protect us --- had become our rulers. The lone survivors of the genocide gathered in a monastery preparing for one last desperate offensive.
***Several mutants battle the Sentinels using an impressive array of supernatural powers and CGI effects. After several minutes of senseless violence, they convene for the secret monastery meeting.***
KITTY: So you see, Logan, our only hope is to send you back in time.
PROFESSOR X: To set right what once went wrong!
LOGAN: And what is that, exactly?
MAGNETO: Mystique killed Trask, the inventor of the Sentinels.
LOGAN: So...am *I* supposed to kill him or something?
PROFESSOR X: No. We want him to live.
LOGAN: Huh?
PROFESSOR X: When Mystique kills him, she's captured. And then scientists use her DNA to arm the Sentinels with her shape shifting abilities. The Sentinels as you know can absorb any mutant's power and use it as their own. So it's critical that Mystique not fall into their hands.
LOGAN: Wait, I thought absorbing other mutant's abilities was Rogue's power?
ROGUE: Yeah! How come no one wants to kidnap me anymore?
MAGNETO: Because it's already been done, my dear. Plus, you're no Katniss Everdeen.
ROGUE: *pouts* Yeah, but I'm Sookie! Doesn't that count for something?
PROFESSOR X: (thinks) If we give you top billing, will you let this go?
ROGUE: (sighs) Fine.
PROFESSOR X: Anyways, we can't let Mystique kill Trask.
LOGAN: But if Trask dies, won't that stop the Sentinels from being created?
PROFESSOR X: No. His death only convinces the world of the needs for his program, so other people carry on his research.
LOGAN: What if I destroy the research? Bomb his lab? Lower the Sentinels into vats of boiling lava? Crush them with a hydraulic press?
PROFESSOR X: No. They'll still find a way to make them.
LOGAN: What if I say the f bomb when I do all of these things?
PROFESSOR X: (shouting) No, dammit! You just...you just have to go through time, okay? And don't let Mystique kill Trask. Got it?
LOGAN (growls and starts taking his clothes off): Fine, I'll go.
KITTY: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why are you stripping?
LOGAN: Uhh, isn't it standard procedure to travel through time in the buff?
KITTY: Um, NO. Where did you get that idea, perv?
PROFESSOR X: Put these on, Logan! *tosses him something straight out of "Saturday Night Fever"*
LOGAN: What the?!
KITTY: You've got to dress for the time period. You're going back to the 1970's. Here, put these coins in your pocket. They're from 1973 so they should help you.
LOGAN: Help me how? In case I need to use a cosmic payphone on the way?
KITTY: Look, if you've got a problem with my time travel methods, take it up with Christopher Reeve. *puts disco music on full blast*
******Logan/Wolverine travels through time and wakes up in 1973*******
YOUNG PROFESSOR X (YPX): *in drunken slur* Hank! Haaaaaannnnk! C'mere and gimme some of them sweet, sweet steroids. I wanna WALK! WOOO!
LOGAN: Who the #$%! are you talking to?! And what steroids?
***Logan walks past a mirror and sees Nicholas Hoult's reflection staring back at him***
LOGAN: What the hell?!
***Suddenly a hologram of old Professor X appears***
HOLOGRAM: Sorry, I forgot to mention that you've leaped into Beast's body.
LOGAN: Why?!
HOLOGRAM: Because that's how this time travel thing works.
LOGAN: Really?! What happens to Beast while I'm in here?
HOLOGRAM: We gave him tickets to a live taping of "Frasier." He's having a ball. We gave him VIP passes to meet Kelsey Grammer backstage after the show.
LOGAN: Wait, aren't I in 1973? How is he watching "Frasier"? That's another 20 years into the future!
HOLOGRAM: Shut up, Logan. Just focus on the mission.
LOGAN: Isn't my mission supposed to be stopping Mystique from killing Trask?
HOLOGRAM: Kitty says that's correct.
LOGAN: So why am I here with young you, then?
YPX: *curled up into a ball on his bed and weeping* He took her from me! He took my beautiful Raven! Why did my best frenemy have to take my sister-girlfriend? *holds her picture and cries*
LOGAN: Hold on, I think I've got it now.
YPX: Hank, I found the drugs! I gave myself the steroid stuff. As soon as I stop my drunken pity party, I'll be ready to get out of here and get smashed again.
LOGAN: *goes Beast on him and roars in his face* Listen up! You want to get Raven back, you've gotta reach out to her.
YPX: But...but...she won't talk to me. She thinks I'm a nerd.
LOGAN: No excuses! Ask her to go with you to the "Enchantment Under the Disco Ball" club. Then you can talk things through.
YPX: I dunno, Hank.
LOGAN: If you don't ask her, I'm gonna break Magneto out of prison. I bet he will.
YPX: *with resolve* OK. I'm gonna stop taking these steroids and go back to my wheelchair and MAN UP! WOO! *vomits*
*****Meanwhile, back in the present day***********
***More scenes of senseless violence as the Sentinels slaughter the X-Men, only to have the X-Men come back to life thanks to time travel***
***Magneto, Kitty, Professor X, and Iceman sit stoically around the body of the time traveling Wolverine***
ICEMAN (shouting): Banana hammocks!
***The others turn and stare at him***
KITTY: That makes absolutely no sense.
ICEMAN (sheepishly): I just...I just really wanted a line. (pause) I'll be quiet now.
****Back in 1973...at a high level security meeting in the Pentagon***
CIA OPERATIVE: Our intelligence picked up chatter saying that some maniac plans to kill every Bolivar Trask in the phone book. I think you're next.
TRASK: Come on, that's got to be a coincidence.
CIA OPERATIVE: Well, you are the only Bolivar Trask in the phone book.
TRASK: Shit.
***Meanwhile, at the "Enchantment under the Disco Ball" club...***
LOGAN: Come on, Charles, bust a move!
YPX: I'm in a wheelchair, jerk. That makes it kinda tricky.
LOGAN: You have got to mellow out soon. You're nothing like Future You,
HOLOGRAM (off to the side): Quiet! You can't let him know that you're not really Beast!
LOGAN: I mean...I imagine that in the future you'll be more mellow.
***Trask enters and heads for the bar***
TRASK: Scotch on the rocks.
***Suddenly, an ominous chord drones through the dance hall as a mysterious figure taps Trask on the shoulder***
LOGAN: Nooooooooooo!!! *pushes Trask off the barstool*
TRASK: You gotta problem, buddy?
LOGAN: Don't dance with her! She's trying to kill you!
TRASK: What?!
LOGAN: She's a mutant and she's going to kill you before you can invent the Sentinels and unleash them upon the world.
TRASK: Huh?!
HOLOGRAM: What did I tell you, Logan?! You've got to keep your identity as a futuristic time traveling sex symbol a secret!
LOGAN: (gestures to YPX) Don't worry, he --- I mean you --- is too plastered to notice.
***YPX does wheelies in his chair while chugging beer and wailing "I raised my sister-girlfriend to be a better quasi-daughter/slave than this!"***
HOLOGRAM: Whoa, I have lost it. Carry on.
LOGAN: Trask, she's a mutant who can take any form --- knives! Or stabbing weapons!
MYSTIQUE: Actually, I don't think I can do that. I've only morphed into people. And thanks for ruining my evil plot.
TRASK: What the hell is going on?! SECURITY!
***Bouncers start dragging Logan away*** LOGAN: It's true! She's going to kill you! And then the human race will be destroyed because of your stupid Sentinels!
TRASK: But if I'm dead, how will the Sentinels ---
LOGAN: I already went over this in 2023! Just shut up and don't die!
MYSTIQUE: Huh. Beast does make an interesting point. But I'm still going to kill you, Trask.
MAGNETO: Not if I kill you first, Mystique!
MYSTIQUE: Eric! I thought you loved me!
MAGNETO: I do. But I can't have the Sentinels take over and wipe us out. If anything, *I'm* going to take over the Sentinels and wipe people out, because I'm the villain here!
MYSTIQUE: I am *so* confused right now.
LOGAN (looks at hand as it starts to disappear): Damn. This doesn't look good.
TRASK: So...I think I'm just gonna go...
MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE (both drawing guns pointed at Trask): NO!
***Suddenly, YPX comes zipping over and runs over Magneto in his wheelchair***
MAGNETO: Oww! What gives, old friend?
YPX: Shut up, Eric! Raven's my sister-girlfriend-daughter-person! And she's not gonna be evil! Raven, I'm not gonna control you anymore. But I order you not to kill this guy!
MYSTIQUE: (sighs) OK, fine. Hey, Beast. You wanna go make out somewhere?
LOGAN: Sure.
***Logan wakes up back in 2023***
LOGAN: Really?!?
VOICEOVER: After Logan's return from 1973, August 29th, 2023 came and went without incident. But don't think we're done with time travel yet. The future is inevitable. And the past involves creepy telekinetic dudes building the pyramids. Because there is no fate but what we make at the box office.
ROLL CREDITS
I think I made my head hurt more hashing all of this out. But I still had fun. Hope you did too.
By the way, the next X-Men movie comes out in 2016. I'm already pumped. ;)
lol! Not going to lie, I didn't have time tonight to read this all, but what I did read was hilarious :)
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