My alibi? I was getting my teeth cleaned...

Most people hate going to the dentist. At one time I may have been considered one of those people, as I once went eight years without so much as a cleaning. Will not make that mistake. It's not because I am suddenly a Mature Adult who finally realizes The Great Importance of Regular Dental Hygiene. Far from it, actually. No, going to my scheduled cleaning after work this evening was the highlight of my day.

Want to know why? 

Because I got to lie back in a comfy chair and watch Unsolved Mysteries. 

That is how much I miss that show, people. I was willing to endure scalpels, rinsing and spitting, and all sorts of awkwardness to watch it. Also, it was the new remake with Dennis Farina, so I didn't even get the full effect. But I was happy because IT WAS THE BOB BEAN EPISODE. And even though Dennis's narration can't hold a candle to Robert Stack's awesomeness, they still used the original footage. So I got to see Bob Bean and company in all their cheesy 80's bad soap opera-esque glory. 

"I love this episode!" I squealed. 

"What is it?" asked the hygienist. 

"It's Unsolved Mysteries," I said. "This episode cracks me up...they're all pointing fingers at each other and it's just ridiculous...I can't explain it, but it's funny." 

"Sounds interesting," he said as he tried to shove a scalpel and mirror in my mouth (except I wouldn't shut up). Despite having plaque scraped off my teeth and drool coming out my mouth, I was having a grand time, especially when the hygienist starting getting into the episode. 

"That Bob Bean guy is a real snake, huh?" 

"Unnh (yeah)!" was my reply. 

"I'll bet he's the murderer," he said, dabbing the drool off my chin. "Is he?" 

I wasn't planning to answer which is just as well because the scalpel and other dental tools prevented me from talking. 

Danny (the creepy brother of the murder victim) and Pat (Bob Bean's ex wife and the murder victim's fiancee) started telling their stories which caused the hygienist to chime in with "Oh, I bet THEY did it!" only to be disappointed when their alibis cleared. He would ask my input from time to time on what I thought of the case. 

"Urrgh," I said. 

Then the update music played. "Hey, an update! Have you seen this update?" he asked. Dennis Farina explained who the killer of Sammy Wheeler really was and that he had been caught. "So...did Bob Bean hire a hitman, or what?" 

"Mmrrrf!" I said, meaning "no, the FBI concluded it was a random act of violence which was their theory all along." 

We continued watching the other cases and having meaningful dialogue about each one ("he did it?" "unnf!") until the cleaning was done. Then another staff member came in to schedule my next appointment. I'm not due back until April 2014. When I got home I looked on the calendar and saw that I have a college fair that night so tomorrow morning I'm going to have to call and reschedule. 

I'll have to make sure I schedule for when Unsolved Mysteries is on. 

Robert Stack is the new chicken noodle!

Today at work I found myself starting to feel cruddy. My throat has been sore off and on the past few days. This morning it started feeling irritated and my head felt stuffy. I've been around a lot of germs lately so I figured I'm just coming down with whatever is going around. I decided to cancel my plans for the evening, invest in some spicy food for dinner, and just chill.

And I found myself really wishing that I could watch "Unsolved Mysteries."

File this under the Many Mysteries of The Scooter --- I *love* watching "Unsolved Mysteries" when I'm sick. LOVE it. A few years ago I had the flu and was stuck in my apartment almost two weeks. I would grab my laptop and watch "Unsolved Mysteries" on YouTube, nap, watch some more, eat some soup, lather, rinse, repeat. I have fond memories of being up at 3 AM, unable to sleep, passing the time by watching old episodes.

Yes, you read that correctly. I am being nostalgic about being up all night WITH THE FLU watching this show.

Weird, right?

And if all of that wasn't enough, lemme add another layer to this puzzle. I hate scary movies. Hate them. Why? Because...well, they scare me. I don't like to be scared. A couple years ago I had my first haunted house experience. I was 27 years old at the time and had never been to a haunted house. This particular one was picked because I have friends that work there. So I figured it would just be fun, right? Oh no.

"I need to hold your hand RIGHT NOW!" I shrieked to my DMC (Designated Male Companion) as soon as the gates of the haunted house were opened. And hold his hand I did all the way through the incredibly cheesy haunted forest. A few months later this same DMC and I went to see "The Woman in Black," a pretty tame scary movie as far as the horror genre goes. Did that matter to this wuss? Of course not. I jumped out of my seat every time the stupid crow squawked (which was a lot).

"Relax, it's just a crow," said DMC.

"I hate you!" I whispered back, harshly. "You know that, right?"

Yes, crows and cheesy gimmicks scare me, but real life tales of murder and crime do not. Go figure.

No, I see Robert Stack in that trench coat, walking down a foggy alley to the beat of that creepy music, and I am in heaven.

I've tried to figure out why this is. My thoughts are that "Unsolved Mysteries" is productive-scary...they're showing you all these murder reenactments so they can catch some bad guys. Scary movies are just...well, scary for the sake of scary. One could argue that they're "productive-scary" in a different way...like in the "I want to get cozy with this guy or girl so I think I'll just have them watch this movie to scare the #$%! out of them so I don't seem like a creeper when I go in for the cuddle." I suppose that's a valid argument and a potentially effective dating strategy. Personally, if any suitors of mine are reading this, I'd rather you just go for it and hold my hand without making me feel the need to wet myself first, thank you.

My other theory is that "Unsolved Mysteries" is just so old that a lot of episodes are dripping with 80's cheesiness, and it's entertaining. Another possibility is that since most of the episodes are so old many of the cases are solved by now (even if they weren't during the show's original run). I know the *only* reason I can stomach watching the satanic arson episode is because it was solved. Otherwise it would just scare the #$%! out of me completely.

The most likely theory, however, is that I'm just weird. I'm weird and that's why I like watching "Unsolved Mysteries" when I'm sick (even though I don't like horror movies). I can live with that.

Now if only I could find some UM episodes...I've really gotta kick this bug....