Quite often I say to myself, "self, you have got to figure out a way to get rich quick so you can pay off your debts, pay off your family's debts, travel around the world, create scholarships, cure cancer, hire an attractive manservant to do your bidding, etc."
(Kidding about that last one.)
(Maybe.)
Anyways, I confess I do think of get-rick-quick schemes more often than I probably should admit. The other day I think I might have come up with a winner.
Maybe I got this idea because it's Halloween...or maybe it was from being sick for the past week. When I'm sick I watch "Unsolved Mysteries" like there's no tomorrow AND I take NyQuil, which often leads to trippy dreams. At any rate, who knows why I came up with this thought, but I did...
Are you sitting down?
Wait for iiiiiiiiiit....
I have determined that the key to me making a fortune is to write...
THE NEXT GREAT HORROR FILM.
Think about it, people. We are in love with scary stuff and monsters these days. "Twilight" (featuring vampires and werewolves) (or at least some version of them) is all the rage. I walk down the toy aisle and see "Monster High" dolls. And everybody and their brother is always talking about the Zombie Apocalypse...how to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, what weapons they would take, how much eyeliner is necessary, how to apply sexy makeup while running from the zombies (fighting for your life is no excuse not to look your best, you know), etc.
So clearly, America loves to be scared. But I can't cash in on any of these monsters. Vampires and werewolves and zombies (oh my!)...they've all been done waaaaaaay too many times. I could pull a Stephenie Meyer and completely reinvent the classic monsters. But that would just get me in trouble with the purists. And it's still been done.
As I've watched Facebook lately, it's clear that people are running scared these days. But they're not afraid of the aforementioned monsters. No. They're afraid of the election year.
See where I'm going with this?
That's right...I need to make a movie about political monsters.
I've already thought of what my critics might say, so I'm going to be proactive and answer your questions now before you have the chance to ask them. Time for Q&A!
1) The Scooter, how would you make this movie without losing half your potential audience?
Easy. I would make two movies: one with a Republican monster, one with a Democrat monster.
2) Don't you think that's a little odd?
I do, but apparently I'm not the first one to come up with this concept. I heard on the radio this morning while I was driving to work that the producers of the "Paranormal Activity" movies --- who just raked in another bajillion dollars with their fourth movie --- were concerned that their movies weren't appealing to the Latino market. So they have decided to focus their next movie on appealing to that market. Clearly, the horror movie industry sees the importance of scaring everyone equally.
3) How can you make these two movies without succumbing to horrible cliches and stereotypes?
Pfft. Cliches and stereotypes are the heart and soul of movies. No one will bat an eye.
4) Do you even have any experience writing screenplays? Or any connections?
Experience?! Pshaw! Amateur hour is all the rage. I'll just get discovered on YouTube or something. Only suckers go the traditional, hard working route.
5) Seriously?
Okay, that was unfair. The hardworking route is noble and good and awesome.
6) How soon do you expect to write these screenplays?
Wouldn't you like to know?
7) I do. That's why I'm asking.
Oh. Well, I suppose that's a valid point. I'ma gonna leave that up to you, readers. Which one do you want me to tackle first?
Tune in again for my first political screenplay. But first...I've gotta keep doing battle with this cold. Time for ice cream and "Unsolved Mysteries!"
*runs away humming UM theme music*
Monday, October 22, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
I'm back with that not-so-fresh feeling...
Hey all. So...I created a blog to all this fanfare...and then I abandoned it. Sorry, loyal readers. I'm going to blame graduate school. I've been deep in the throes of writing papers.
*must go on quick nerdy rant, then will get on with tonight's topic*
I'm in an MSW (Masters of Social Work) program. My undergraduate degree is in English and Sociology (meaning I have the power to overanalyze things like you wouldn't believe). Anyhoo, one of the things I loved about those majors is
(NERDY PART COMING UP)
they believed in MLA, dangit! MLA is simple. Observe:
In the classic boring novel The Silent Moose, the brilliant author W. F. VanDerSmoot describes the angry, hormonal protaganist as "a lucious, temperamental mix of autumn's wind, summer's rain, and the ice of hell" (VanDerSmoot 1088).
See? Easy. You just put the author's name and page number in your citation. Technically, in that example, I could have gotten away with just the page number since I used W. F. VanDerSmoot's name in the sentence.
(In case you couldn't figure it out, The Silent Moose is a fictional example. But English majors really did have to read stuff as trippy and nonsensical as that. Seriously. How do you think we hone our abilities to read into everything? You have to do so to attempt to make any sense of that mess!)
However, in my program I must write in APA style, where citation takes forever and a day. The pricks behind APA citation are not content with just an author's name and page number (even though you provide the rest of the information in your reference list at the end). Oh no. They want to know EVERYTHING in the in-text citation: author's name, page number, year of publication, author's age, marital status, what the author had for lunch at the time s/he wrote, where the research was conducted, etc. It would look more like this:
According to Dr. Gunther Auchtung-Baby, Freud's psychosexual development theory is "inherently misogynistic" (Auchtung-Baby, p.191, 2012, age 35, single and looking to mingle, a Wendy's Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, chili with cheese and onions, large Dr. Pepper, medium fries with ketchup, Harvard University, etc).
See? It's a pain. The plus side to the lengthy citation is that my papers are often one part content to every three parts citation. Less is more!
*end nerdy rant, on to intended topic*
So as mentioned in my last post many moons ago, I feel I've been slacking off this election year. I haven't watched any debates, I haven't put any angry political commentary in my Facebook status, I haven't forwarded any emails about how Candidate A is a living saint who will make America so great we will be translated into heaven whereas Candidate B is the antichrist who will lead us straight to hell, I haven't created or shared any cutesy memes about Big Bird, nothing. I'm just downright unpatriotic, or so it would seem.
The truth is, I do have political views, but I'm fiercely private about them. That's how I was raised.
But there are a few issues that I break my own self-imposed Code of Silence to speak up about, and one of those --- the one I will focus on tonight --- is women's rights.
Some say there is a war on women. Whether you believe there's a war or not, there's definitely a lot of injustice going on, here and around the world. We still don't make equal pay. We are not equally represented in legislature. And some demonic force out there is still producing pantyhose and expecting us to wear them. Oppression! Oppression, I say!
Many women have wondered (and argued with each other) about what the solution is...or if there's even a problem at all. Well, ladies, the answer has been with us for quite some time. A member of the Enemy Forces (aka the male species persuasion) who is sympathetic to our cause leaked the answer in his incredibly funny book.
(I am referring to the great humor writer Dave Barry. Let us pause with reverence at the mention of his holy name.)
Anyhoo, he said the secret to defeating men is...
...wait for it...
tampons.
Bet you weren't expecting that, were you?
I know I wasn't...which is why I didn't take it seriously at first. But think about it ladies...Dave's argument makes sense. He claims that men are so afraid of The Devil's Cotton Finger that they will do anything, ANYTHING to make us women stop talking about them.
Picture it, ladies...
***SOMEWHERE IN A TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT FACILITY***
EVIL MALE CORPORATE OPPRESSOR (EMCO) #1: I think the way to fix the economy is to pay women even less money.
EMCO #2: Good idea!
*the other EMCOs enthusiastically agree*
EMCO #3: And we should make it a requirement that they all have to wear pantyhose to work, so then they have to buy more pantyhose, which makes them miserable, so their spirits will be too broken to rebel!
EMCO #4: Ooh! And what if we---
*is interrupted by loud shouting*
EMCO #1: Uhh...what's that noise?
*a thundering herd of angry women come charging in with tee shirt launchers*
ANGRY WOMAN #1: In the name of Susan B. Anthony, Hillary Clinton, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and by the power of She-Ra, WE DEMAND OUR FREEDOM!
EMCO #1: *in extremely condescending tone* Freedom? But you are free. Free from worry because the big strong men will take care of you.
EMCO #2: Yeah! That's why we don't want you to work or have adequate birth control. We're trying to make life easier for you.
EMCO #3: We're just trying to protect you from the dark scary world!
ANGRY WOMAN #2: Protect yourself from this. FIRE!
*the army of women fire their tee shirt launchers which contain tampons and other feminine products*
*the manly men squeal in terror*
EMCO #4: Dear God! The horror!
ANGRY WOMAN #1: Ladies, commence verbal assault!
ANGRY WOMAN #3: Vagina!
ANGRY WOMAN #4: Pap smear!
ANGRY WOMAN #5: Tampons!
ANGRY WOMAN #6: *leans in to shout in EMCO #1's ear* I'M EXPERIENCING PMS!
EMCO #1: MAKE IT STOP!!
EMCO #2: Now hold on! This is terrorism, and we don't answer to terrorists.
*one of the angry women has switched on a live feed satellite image of the Oval Office where the Secret Service have been knocked out by crates containing Maxi Pads and the door has been sealed shut by a highly concentrated form of personal lubricant*
ANGRY WOMAN #7 (holding a tampon to the President's throat): Give in to our demands, or else!
And then the men would surrender and we ladies could have whatever we wanted. Equal pay. No more glass ceiling. Better child care and maternity leave options. Attractive male servants to do our bidding.
Uhh...just kidding about that last one. Maybe.
Sisters, unite! Harness the power of tampons! Together we can make the world a better place.
At the very least, let's rebel against pantyhose. They're just The Man keeping us down.
*must go on quick nerdy rant, then will get on with tonight's topic*
I'm in an MSW (Masters of Social Work) program. My undergraduate degree is in English and Sociology (meaning I have the power to overanalyze things like you wouldn't believe). Anyhoo, one of the things I loved about those majors is
(NERDY PART COMING UP)
they believed in MLA, dangit! MLA is simple. Observe:
In the classic boring novel The Silent Moose, the brilliant author W. F. VanDerSmoot describes the angry, hormonal protaganist as "a lucious, temperamental mix of autumn's wind, summer's rain, and the ice of hell" (VanDerSmoot 1088).
See? Easy. You just put the author's name and page number in your citation. Technically, in that example, I could have gotten away with just the page number since I used W. F. VanDerSmoot's name in the sentence.
(In case you couldn't figure it out, The Silent Moose is a fictional example. But English majors really did have to read stuff as trippy and nonsensical as that. Seriously. How do you think we hone our abilities to read into everything? You have to do so to attempt to make any sense of that mess!)
However, in my program I must write in APA style, where citation takes forever and a day. The pricks behind APA citation are not content with just an author's name and page number (even though you provide the rest of the information in your reference list at the end). Oh no. They want to know EVERYTHING in the in-text citation: author's name, page number, year of publication, author's age, marital status, what the author had for lunch at the time s/he wrote, where the research was conducted, etc. It would look more like this:
According to Dr. Gunther Auchtung-Baby, Freud's psychosexual development theory is "inherently misogynistic" (Auchtung-Baby, p.191, 2012, age 35, single and looking to mingle, a Wendy's Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, chili with cheese and onions, large Dr. Pepper, medium fries with ketchup, Harvard University, etc).
See? It's a pain. The plus side to the lengthy citation is that my papers are often one part content to every three parts citation. Less is more!
*end nerdy rant, on to intended topic*
So as mentioned in my last post many moons ago, I feel I've been slacking off this election year. I haven't watched any debates, I haven't put any angry political commentary in my Facebook status, I haven't forwarded any emails about how Candidate A is a living saint who will make America so great we will be translated into heaven whereas Candidate B is the antichrist who will lead us straight to hell, I haven't created or shared any cutesy memes about Big Bird, nothing. I'm just downright unpatriotic, or so it would seem.
The truth is, I do have political views, but I'm fiercely private about them. That's how I was raised.
But there are a few issues that I break my own self-imposed Code of Silence to speak up about, and one of those --- the one I will focus on tonight --- is women's rights.
Some say there is a war on women. Whether you believe there's a war or not, there's definitely a lot of injustice going on, here and around the world. We still don't make equal pay. We are not equally represented in legislature. And some demonic force out there is still producing pantyhose and expecting us to wear them. Oppression! Oppression, I say!
Many women have wondered (and argued with each other) about what the solution is...or if there's even a problem at all. Well, ladies, the answer has been with us for quite some time. A member of the Enemy Forces (aka the male species persuasion) who is sympathetic to our cause leaked the answer in his incredibly funny book.
(I am referring to the great humor writer Dave Barry. Let us pause with reverence at the mention of his holy name.)
Anyhoo, he said the secret to defeating men is...
...wait for it...
tampons.
Bet you weren't expecting that, were you?
I know I wasn't...which is why I didn't take it seriously at first. But think about it ladies...Dave's argument makes sense. He claims that men are so afraid of The Devil's Cotton Finger that they will do anything, ANYTHING to make us women stop talking about them.
Picture it, ladies...
***SOMEWHERE IN A TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT FACILITY***
EVIL MALE CORPORATE OPPRESSOR (EMCO) #1: I think the way to fix the economy is to pay women even less money.
EMCO #2: Good idea!
*the other EMCOs enthusiastically agree*
EMCO #3: And we should make it a requirement that they all have to wear pantyhose to work, so then they have to buy more pantyhose, which makes them miserable, so their spirits will be too broken to rebel!
EMCO #4: Ooh! And what if we---
*is interrupted by loud shouting*
EMCO #1: Uhh...what's that noise?
*a thundering herd of angry women come charging in with tee shirt launchers*
ANGRY WOMAN #1: In the name of Susan B. Anthony, Hillary Clinton, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and by the power of She-Ra, WE DEMAND OUR FREEDOM!
EMCO #1: *in extremely condescending tone* Freedom? But you are free. Free from worry because the big strong men will take care of you.
EMCO #2: Yeah! That's why we don't want you to work or have adequate birth control. We're trying to make life easier for you.
EMCO #3: We're just trying to protect you from the dark scary world!
ANGRY WOMAN #2: Protect yourself from this. FIRE!
*the army of women fire their tee shirt launchers which contain tampons and other feminine products*
*the manly men squeal in terror*
EMCO #4: Dear God! The horror!
ANGRY WOMAN #1: Ladies, commence verbal assault!
ANGRY WOMAN #3: Vagina!
ANGRY WOMAN #4: Pap smear!
ANGRY WOMAN #5: Tampons!
ANGRY WOMAN #6: *leans in to shout in EMCO #1's ear* I'M EXPERIENCING PMS!
EMCO #1: MAKE IT STOP!!
EMCO #2: Now hold on! This is terrorism, and we don't answer to terrorists.
*one of the angry women has switched on a live feed satellite image of the Oval Office where the Secret Service have been knocked out by crates containing Maxi Pads and the door has been sealed shut by a highly concentrated form of personal lubricant*
ANGRY WOMAN #7 (holding a tampon to the President's throat): Give in to our demands, or else!
And then the men would surrender and we ladies could have whatever we wanted. Equal pay. No more glass ceiling. Better child care and maternity leave options. Attractive male servants to do our bidding.
Uhh...just kidding about that last one. Maybe.
Sisters, unite! Harness the power of tampons! Together we can make the world a better place.
At the very least, let's rebel against pantyhose. They're just The Man keeping us down.
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