Quite often I say to myself, "self, you have got to figure out a way to get rich quick so you can pay off your debts, pay off your family's debts, travel around the world, create scholarships, cure cancer, hire an attractive manservant to do your bidding, etc."
(Kidding about that last one.)
(Maybe.)
Anyways, I confess I do think of get-rick-quick schemes more often than I probably should admit. The other day I think I might have come up with a winner.
Maybe I got this idea because it's Halloween...or maybe it was from being sick for the past week. When I'm sick I watch "Unsolved Mysteries" like there's no tomorrow AND I take NyQuil, which often leads to trippy dreams. At any rate, who knows why I came up with this thought, but I did...
Are you sitting down?
Wait for iiiiiiiiiit....
I have determined that the key to me making a fortune is to write...
THE NEXT GREAT HORROR FILM.
Think about it, people. We are in love with scary stuff and monsters these days. "Twilight" (featuring vampires and werewolves) (or at least some version of them) is all the rage. I walk down the toy aisle and see "Monster High" dolls. And everybody and their brother is always talking about the Zombie Apocalypse...how to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, what weapons they would take, how much eyeliner is necessary, how to apply sexy makeup while running from the zombies (fighting for your life is no excuse not to look your best, you know), etc.
So clearly, America loves to be scared. But I can't cash in on any of these monsters. Vampires and werewolves and zombies (oh my!)...they've all been done waaaaaaay too many times. I could pull a Stephenie Meyer and completely reinvent the classic monsters. But that would just get me in trouble with the purists. And it's still been done.
As I've watched Facebook lately, it's clear that people are running scared these days. But they're not afraid of the aforementioned monsters. No. They're afraid of the election year.
See where I'm going with this?
That's right...I need to make a movie about political monsters.
I've already thought of what my critics might say, so I'm going to be proactive and answer your questions now before you have the chance to ask them. Time for Q&A!
1) The Scooter, how would you make this movie without losing half your potential audience?
Easy. I would make two movies: one with a Republican monster, one with a Democrat monster.
2) Don't you think that's a little odd?
I do, but apparently I'm not the first one to come up with this concept. I heard on the radio this morning while I was driving to work that the producers of the "Paranormal Activity" movies --- who just raked in another bajillion dollars with their fourth movie --- were concerned that their movies weren't appealing to the Latino market. So they have decided to focus their next movie on appealing to that market. Clearly, the horror movie industry sees the importance of scaring everyone equally.
3) How can you make these two movies without succumbing to horrible cliches and stereotypes?
Pfft. Cliches and stereotypes are the heart and soul of movies. No one will bat an eye.
4) Do you even have any experience writing screenplays? Or any connections?
Experience?! Pshaw! Amateur hour is all the rage. I'll just get discovered on YouTube or something. Only suckers go the traditional, hard working route.
5) Seriously?
Okay, that was unfair. The hardworking route is noble and good and awesome.
6) How soon do you expect to write these screenplays?
Wouldn't you like to know?
7) I do. That's why I'm asking.
Oh. Well, I suppose that's a valid point. I'ma gonna leave that up to you, readers. Which one do you want me to tackle first?
Tune in again for my first political screenplay. But first...I've gotta keep doing battle with this cold. Time for ice cream and "Unsolved Mysteries!"
*runs away humming UM theme music*
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