Recently I went to see "X-Men: Days of Future Past." I freakin' loved it. First of all, I love the X-Men series because it works on so many levels. The most important level? Eye candy. And oh does this movie have some serious eye candy. Hugh Jackman, Jennifer Lawrence, Michael Fassbender, James McAvoy, Nicholas Hoult, and Hugh Jackman's butt all in one movie? Yes, PLEASE!
Much as I loved the film, however, I couldn't help but walk away with a slight headache. Why? The movie involves time travel. It is a law, irrevocably decreed in Hollywood, that any movie or TV show involving time travel must make my head hurt in some way. It's unavoidable. I will say that this one was less headache inducing than others, but still...the nagging questions were there.
As I was trying to sort out these nagging issues, I found myself thinking of other time travel stories. Rumor has it that Bryan Singer (director of several of the X-Men films) chatted with James Cameron about how to make time travel (JC being king of the Terminator universe and all). I could definitely see some parallels. Then slowly --- most likely because I'm losing my mind from orientation stress --- all these time travel epics starting meshing together in mind. "I have to write about this," I thought, "to save my sanity...or something. I don't know. Whatever. I'm blogging. Shut up, inner monologue, and just let me type."
And so my friends, I give to you...
The Wolverinator: Somewhere Back in Quantum's Future
DISCLAIMER: I wasn't sure whether or not to put a spoiler alert in here. I've mixed so many things together I don't know that I'll really spoil any of them. But if you're worried about anything being ruined for you (or if you're just concerned about your head spinning from all this time travel talk) you might want to skip this one.
***The movie opens on a bleak scene. Bones are strewn across the land. The sun doesn't shine because the world is on a 24/7 smog alert. Suddenly, a monotone foreboding voice is heard...***
VOICEOVER: August 29th, 2023. The world lay in ruins. Sentinels --- ruthless, killing machines designed to protect us --- had become our rulers. The lone survivors of the genocide gathered in a monastery preparing for one last desperate offensive.
***Several mutants battle the Sentinels using an impressive array of supernatural powers and CGI effects. After several minutes of senseless violence, they convene for the secret monastery meeting.***
KITTY: So you see, Logan, our only hope is to send you back in time.
PROFESSOR X: To set right what once went wrong!
LOGAN: And what is that, exactly?
MAGNETO: Mystique killed Trask, the inventor of the Sentinels.
LOGAN: So...am *I* supposed to kill him or something?
PROFESSOR X: No. We want him to live.
LOGAN: Huh?
PROFESSOR X: When Mystique kills him, she's captured. And then scientists use her DNA to arm the Sentinels with her shape shifting abilities. The Sentinels as you know can absorb any mutant's power and use it as their own. So it's critical that Mystique not fall into their hands.
LOGAN: Wait, I thought absorbing other mutant's abilities was Rogue's power?
ROGUE: Yeah! How come no one wants to kidnap me anymore?
MAGNETO: Because it's already been done, my dear. Plus, you're no Katniss Everdeen.
ROGUE: *pouts* Yeah, but I'm Sookie! Doesn't that count for something?
PROFESSOR X: (thinks) If we give you top billing, will you let this go?
ROGUE: (sighs) Fine.
PROFESSOR X: Anyways, we can't let Mystique kill Trask.
LOGAN: But if Trask dies, won't that stop the Sentinels from being created?
PROFESSOR X: No. His death only convinces the world of the needs for his program, so other people carry on his research.
LOGAN: What if I destroy the research? Bomb his lab? Lower the Sentinels into vats of boiling lava? Crush them with a hydraulic press?
PROFESSOR X: No. They'll still find a way to make them.
LOGAN: What if I say the f bomb when I do all of these things?
PROFESSOR X: (shouting) No, dammit! You just...you just have to go through time, okay? And don't let Mystique kill Trask. Got it?
LOGAN (growls and starts taking his clothes off): Fine, I'll go.
KITTY: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why are you stripping?
LOGAN: Uhh, isn't it standard procedure to travel through time in the buff?
KITTY: Um, NO. Where did you get that idea, perv?
PROFESSOR X: Put these on, Logan! *tosses him something straight out of "Saturday Night Fever"*
LOGAN: What the?!
KITTY: You've got to dress for the time period. You're going back to the 1970's. Here, put these coins in your pocket. They're from 1973 so they should help you.
LOGAN: Help me how? In case I need to use a cosmic payphone on the way?
KITTY: Look, if you've got a problem with my time travel methods, take it up with Christopher Reeve. *puts disco music on full blast*
******Logan/Wolverine travels through time and wakes up in 1973*******
YOUNG PROFESSOR X (YPX): *in drunken slur* Hank! Haaaaaannnnk! C'mere and gimme some of them sweet, sweet steroids. I wanna WALK! WOOO!
LOGAN: Who the #$%! are you talking to?! And what steroids?
***Logan walks past a mirror and sees Nicholas Hoult's reflection staring back at him***
LOGAN: What the hell?!
***Suddenly a hologram of old Professor X appears***
HOLOGRAM: Sorry, I forgot to mention that you've leaped into Beast's body.
LOGAN: Why?!
HOLOGRAM: Because that's how this time travel thing works.
LOGAN: Really?! What happens to Beast while I'm in here?
HOLOGRAM: We gave him tickets to a live taping of "Frasier." He's having a ball. We gave him VIP passes to meet Kelsey Grammer backstage after the show.
LOGAN: Wait, aren't I in 1973? How is he watching "Frasier"? That's another 20 years into the future!
HOLOGRAM: Shut up, Logan. Just focus on the mission.
LOGAN: Isn't my mission supposed to be stopping Mystique from killing Trask?
HOLOGRAM: Kitty says that's correct.
LOGAN: So why am I here with young you, then?
YPX: *curled up into a ball on his bed and weeping* He took her from me! He took my beautiful Raven! Why did my best frenemy have to take my sister-girlfriend? *holds her picture and cries*
LOGAN: Hold on, I think I've got it now.
YPX: Hank, I found the drugs! I gave myself the steroid stuff. As soon as I stop my drunken pity party, I'll be ready to get out of here and get smashed again.
LOGAN: *goes Beast on him and roars in his face* Listen up! You want to get Raven back, you've gotta reach out to her.
YPX: But...but...she won't talk to me. She thinks I'm a nerd.
LOGAN: No excuses! Ask her to go with you to the "Enchantment Under the Disco Ball" club. Then you can talk things through.
YPX: I dunno, Hank.
LOGAN: If you don't ask her, I'm gonna break Magneto out of prison. I bet he will.
YPX: *with resolve* OK. I'm gonna stop taking these steroids and go back to my wheelchair and MAN UP! WOO! *vomits*
*****Meanwhile, back in the present day***********
***More scenes of senseless violence as the Sentinels slaughter the X-Men, only to have the X-Men come back to life thanks to time travel***
***Magneto, Kitty, Professor X, and Iceman sit stoically around the body of the time traveling Wolverine***
ICEMAN (shouting): Banana hammocks!
***The others turn and stare at him***
KITTY: That makes absolutely no sense.
ICEMAN (sheepishly): I just...I just really wanted a line. (pause) I'll be quiet now.
****Back in 1973...at a high level security meeting in the Pentagon***
CIA OPERATIVE: Our intelligence picked up chatter saying that some maniac plans to kill every Bolivar Trask in the phone book. I think you're next.
TRASK: Come on, that's got to be a coincidence.
CIA OPERATIVE: Well, you are the only Bolivar Trask in the phone book.
TRASK: Shit.
***Meanwhile, at the "Enchantment under the Disco Ball" club...***
LOGAN: Come on, Charles, bust a move!
YPX: I'm in a wheelchair, jerk. That makes it kinda tricky.
LOGAN: You have got to mellow out soon. You're nothing like Future You,
HOLOGRAM (off to the side): Quiet! You can't let him know that you're not really Beast!
LOGAN: I mean...I imagine that in the future you'll be more mellow.
***Trask enters and heads for the bar***
TRASK: Scotch on the rocks.
***Suddenly, an ominous chord drones through the dance hall as a mysterious figure taps Trask on the shoulder***
LOGAN: Nooooooooooo!!! *pushes Trask off the barstool*
TRASK: You gotta problem, buddy?
LOGAN: Don't dance with her! She's trying to kill you!
TRASK: What?!
LOGAN: She's a mutant and she's going to kill you before you can invent the Sentinels and unleash them upon the world.
TRASK: Huh?!
HOLOGRAM: What did I tell you, Logan?! You've got to keep your identity as a futuristic time traveling sex symbol a secret!
LOGAN: (gestures to YPX) Don't worry, he --- I mean you --- is too plastered to notice.
***YPX does wheelies in his chair while chugging beer and wailing "I raised my sister-girlfriend to be a better quasi-daughter/slave than this!"***
HOLOGRAM: Whoa, I have lost it. Carry on.
LOGAN: Trask, she's a mutant who can take any form --- knives! Or stabbing weapons!
MYSTIQUE: Actually, I don't think I can do that. I've only morphed into people. And thanks for ruining my evil plot.
TRASK: What the hell is going on?! SECURITY!
***Bouncers start dragging Logan away*** LOGAN: It's true! She's going to kill you! And then the human race will be destroyed because of your stupid Sentinels!
TRASK: But if I'm dead, how will the Sentinels ---
LOGAN: I already went over this in 2023! Just shut up and don't die!
MYSTIQUE: Huh. Beast does make an interesting point. But I'm still going to kill you, Trask.
MAGNETO: Not if I kill you first, Mystique!
MYSTIQUE: Eric! I thought you loved me!
MAGNETO: I do. But I can't have the Sentinels take over and wipe us out. If anything, *I'm* going to take over the Sentinels and wipe people out, because I'm the villain here!
MYSTIQUE: I am *so* confused right now.
LOGAN (looks at hand as it starts to disappear): Damn. This doesn't look good.
TRASK: So...I think I'm just gonna go...
MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE (both drawing guns pointed at Trask): NO!
***Suddenly, YPX comes zipping over and runs over Magneto in his wheelchair***
MAGNETO: Oww! What gives, old friend?
YPX: Shut up, Eric! Raven's my sister-girlfriend-daughter-person! And she's not gonna be evil! Raven, I'm not gonna control you anymore. But I order you not to kill this guy!
MYSTIQUE: (sighs) OK, fine. Hey, Beast. You wanna go make out somewhere?
LOGAN: Sure.
***Logan wakes up back in 2023***
LOGAN: Really?!?
VOICEOVER: After Logan's return from 1973, August 29th, 2023 came and went without incident. But don't think we're done with time travel yet. The future is inevitable. And the past involves creepy telekinetic dudes building the pyramids. Because there is no fate but what we make at the box office.
ROLL CREDITS
I think I made my head hurt more hashing all of this out. But I still had fun. Hope you did too.
By the way, the next X-Men movie comes out in 2016. I'm already pumped. ;)
Monday, June 9, 2014
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Movie parody, ASSEMBLE!
So yesterday I totally kicked butt. Half a dozen loads of laundry, installed a tap light, washed dishes, cleaned apartment --- I *owned* my To Do list. When evening rolled around I was feeling the need to celebrate my awesomeness, and I decided to do so by parking my butt on the couch and watching other people kick butt.
(Translation: I turned on Netflix and watched "The Avengers.")
Yes, that's right --- I had not seen that movie until last night. I made an attempt to watch it at an outdoor movie theater, but the sound was really bad and I was being eaten alive by mosquitos, so I gave up about 20 minutes in. I meant to see it. Really. I enjoy action movies (particularly of the superhero genre). And Joss Whedon is involved, and he's cool. So I was totally pumped and ready for some awesome.
What I wasn't ready for...was the disappointment.
That's right, y'all --- I didn't care for it. And it made me sad. I wanted to like it. I almost turned it off but I forced myself to finish it,
1) Because I'm stubborn like that, but more importantly
2) Because it was getting my creative juices going for the first time in ages.
As I was watching it and racking up a mental list of grievances --- the biggest of which was that it was too long --- I realized, "I could totally entertain myself by writing a summary of this movie which comments on some of my grievances."
So in the spirit of tomorrow's sacred holiday of Festivus, I have returned to my long forsaken blog to Air My Grievances about "The Avengers."
***lights go dim as the movie opens on a gloomy Top Secret Government Facility***
(Samuel L. Jackson enters dressed like a pirate from The Matrix universe.)
PIRATE SAMUEL L. JACKSON (PSJ): Dr. Flannel Shirt, what's going on with the Top Secret thing that we're working on?
DR. FLANNEL SHIRT (DFS): It's coming along. Scientific jargon mumbo jumbo Kelvin Celsius squared, pi.
PSJ: THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
DFS: Do you have any idea what I just said?
PSJ: HELL to the no, but it doesn't matter! I'm Pirate Samuel L. Jackson and I'm gonna shout and be obnoxious no matter what! Cue dramatic moment!
*The Top Secret Thing, an evil glowing Rubik's Cube, starts going bezerk opening a portal from another dimension. In strolls a funny looking guy.*
DFS: Are you Gozer?
Loki: No, it's Loki! Remember, I tried to destroy the world not too long ago. I'm back now.
PSJ: You'll never get our evil glowing Rubik's Cube!
Loki: Witty nonsensical comment, hahaha! I will *so* get what I want, because I have Jafar's mind control stick from Disney's "Aladdin!"
(Loki taps Dr. Flannel Shirt and Archer Guy with the stick who immediately become his lackeys. One of them guns PSJ down before they make their escape.)
PSJ (jumping up immediately and dusting himself off): Agent Robin Sherbatsky! Get in a Jeep and start chasing these dudes! I'm gonna go fly a chopper!
Agent Robin Sherbatsky: Got it, sir!
(Agent Robin starts chasing them in a Jeep while Pirate Samuel L. Jackson gets in a chopper and circles angrily around the base. Things blow up. Loki and company escape.)
PSJ: I'm tired of these mofo demigods getting away in mofo Jeeps! *shouts into communication device* Agent Agent! Call 'em in!
Agent Agent: Got it!
***We move to a group of angry Russians taunting the Black Widow while she's tied up in a chair***
ANGRY RUSSIAN: I kill you! But I'm saying that in Russian! (phone rings) Oh, it's for you!
BLACK WIDOW (into phone): Excuse me, I am busy trying to get information out of these scumbugs by looking sexy while tied up in a chair! Wait, what? OK, I'll be there ASAP.
***Black Widow proceeds to break free from her chair and clobber all the angry Russians who conveniently do not have any guns***
***We move to a swanky bachelor pad in Stark Towers***
PEPPER: Oooh, Tony Stark, you're such an awesome billionaire playboy!
(doorbell rings and Agent Agent barges in)
TONY STARK: Dangit, Agent Agent, can't you see Gwyneth Paltrow and I are trying to get it on?
AGENT AGENT: But it's important!
PEPPER: Well then, he'll go. I'll just sit here and drink all his wine.
***Somewhere in Brazil***
BLACK WIDOW: Dr. Banner, I've come alone to take you back to the US so you can help us defeat an evil Rubik's cube.
DR. BANNER: Um, okay.
BLACK WIDOW: OK, army of snipers waiting outside, stand down. He said yes.
DR. BANNER: Really?!
***Cut to scene of Captain America beating the living daylights out of a punching bag***
AGENT AGENT: Hey, Rogers, SHIELD needs you to come defeat this guy Loki.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Can I punch him? Because I really like punching things.
AGENT AGENT: Sure. Whatever floats your boat.
***Tony Stark, Rogers, Dr. Banner, and the Black Widow meet up on a boat***
PSJ: Ok, now that you're all here, we can get down to the business of getting down to business. LET"S GO!
***The boat turns into an invisible UFO for some stupid reason***
PSJ: All right team, we've brought you here to capture Loki and stop him from doing evil things with the Rubik's cube. Agent Robin Sherbatsky tells me we've found him, so let's go.
***Cut to scene of Loki in Germany forcing people to kneel before him***
LOKI: Ahaha! I'm a witty whimsical demigod and you will all bow before me! JAFAR STICK, help me zap this old guy who refuses to kneel!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: (after saving the old guy) Hey Loki! Hitler sucks and so do you!
BLACK WIDOW: (on helicopter loudspeaker) Surrender, Loki!
LOKI: No way! (puts up pathetic fight and is easily captured)
BLACK WIDOW: OK team, let's go home and lock up this criminal!
*thunder crashes and lightning flashes as Thor rushes in, punches Iron Man, grabs Loki, and rushes out*
IRON MAN: Seriously?! *jumps out of plane after them*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Hey, I can't fly, but I'm coming too! *also jumps out of plane*
THOR: Brother! Cease this nonsense and return with me to Asgard.
LOKI: No way! I'm the rightful king. And I like torturing Earthlings. More witty whimsical nonsense!
THOR: Brother! Don't make me summon my mighty hammer!
*Mighty hammer is summoned and fight begins --- ten years later, the fight is interrupted by Iron Man tackling Thor*
IRON MAN: Really, prettyboy? What makes you think you can take Loki from me? I'm the one who's going to take him in!
THOR: He should be given trial in Asgard! *flicks lustrous locks while summoning hammer*
***Iron Man and Thor duke it out for another decade until Captain America interrupts them***
CAPTAIN AMERICA: IDIOTS! Why are you two fighting?! Loki is probably long gone by now!
LOKI: Actually, I've been sitting here the whole time.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Really? Well, that was a freebie. I figured you would have taken advantage of them being distracted by their grudge match to escape.
LOKI: Huh. I never thought of that. *runs away*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Seriously, guys, break it up. But first, Thor, hit me with your hammer so I can show off my shield.
*Thor hits his shield causing a mighty FWOOM while Black Widow, watching from the helicopter, sighs and shakes her head*
***Back on the invisible UFO, the team discusses their predicament***
DR. BANNER: I've been tracking the gamma radiation patterns of the evil Rubik's cube. Based on the neurological transmitters emanating from the cross cerebral vortex in the perpendicular Pythageron's quadrant, Loki's thereom should isolate the hyperactive protoplasms long enough for me to harness the beta ray.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: What in blazes did you just say?
DR. BANNER: Enough scientific jibberish to make it seem like this movie has some substance and isn't just a shoot 'em up, blow things up, summer blockbuster.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Oh, okay.
BLACK WIDOW: (scowls)
IRON MAN: Hulk out, man, come on! Doesn't all that jibberish make you mad?
PSJ: Don't encourage him! We need his scientific jibberish to track down the evil Rubik's cube so the US military can use it to make nuclear weapons!
DR. BANNER: Seriously?! THAT'S why you want us to find it?
IRON MAN: Yeah! Doesn't that make you ANGRY, Banner? Like, rip off your shirt and turn green ANGRY?
DR. BANNER: No, it just makes me sad. I'm going to go sulk somewhere else in this UFO.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I hate you, Iron Man!
IRON MAN: And I hate you, Rogers! Let's take this outside!
(Meanwhile, Archer Guy shoots a single arrow into the invisible UFO which somehow causes its engines to blow.)
IRON MAN: Rogers, buddy! I need you outside to fix this engine.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: You've got it, bro! Start flying around the turbine while I fire a machine gun at all the guys that have somehow invaded the invisible UFO.
(Meanwhile, Dr. Banner has Hulked out and decided he wants to kill the Black Widow.)
BLACK WIDOW: Don't do this, Banner! I'm not the enemy!
HULK: Hulk say if others can get in pointless fights for no reason, so can Hulk! Besides, Hulk chasing you give audience chance to see you run in tight leather suit.
BLACK WIDOW: Yeah, this probably isn't the best outfit for crime fighting, huh? I mean, it highlights the fact that I'm smokin' hot but it's not very practical.
HULK: At least you have clothes! Fighting half naked make Hulk feel objectified which make Hulk MAD! Raaaaaarrr! *jumps off plane*
*Dr. Banner lands in a hay pile naked as a jaybird*
FARMER: Hey, naked dude that fell from the sky, are you okay?
DR. BANNER: Did I hurt anyone?
FARMER: I don't think so. You just fell from the sky naked and green, and I'm standing here calmly discussing it with you like it's the sort of thing that happens every day. Are you an alien?
DR. BANNER: No.
FARMER: Oh, okay. Then you should be able to wear these clothes that I just so happened to have in my hand. They should fit now that you've shrunk.
DR. BANNER: Cool, thanks. I need to get back to the invisible UFO now.
FARMER: Ok, non-alien naked guy. See you later!
***Back on the invisible UFO, the Black Widow just kicked Archer Guy's butt***
BLACK WIDOW: Archer Guy, since I hit you on the head, you're not possessed by Loki anymore.
ARCHER GUY: Cool. Was I possessed? I thought I was just hypnotized or something.
BLACK WIDOW: Whatever. I'm sexy so you should listen to me. Do you know where he is now?
ARCHER GUY: Um, I thought you had him.
BLACK WIDOW: Well, we did, but then Thor stole him, and then we got him again, but Thor charged at a hologram and got trapped, and now he's off doing God knows what.
ARCHER GUY: Thor is? Or Loki?
BLACK WIDOW: Both. Anyways, guy who just tried to kill us all, you could be a valuable ally. Will you join our highly dysfunctional team?
ARCHER GUY: Sure.
***Elsewhere, Agent Agent has been fatally shot by Loki***
PSJ: Don't you die on me, Agent Agent! Look into my eyes! Let my badass aura heal you!
AGENT AGENT: Nah, it's cool. I have to die to rally the troops. Nothing helps a ragtag bunch come together like the death of a good guy, but not a really important good guy, because that would just be too depressing. So anyways, I'm perfect for this cliche. I was born to die in an action movie.
***The team assembles where PSJ lectures them about Agent Agent***
PSJ: Yeah, so we lied to you all about wanting to make weaponry. But you know what else we wanted...and what our DEAD FRIEND wanted? For us to have an epic team. The Avengers initiative, we called it. So go out there and kick some butt.
(The Avengers all rush out ready to open up a can.)
AGENT ROBIN SHERBATSKY: Umm, you totally lied about Agent Agent's death to motivate them. That's not cool.
PSJ: Shut up, woman! I'm Samuel L. Jackson! AND I'm a pirate!
IRON MAN: Loki is almost as big of an egomaniac as I am. So he's gonna set up shop atop Stark Towers so he can see his name in lights.
*Dr. Banner comes riding up on a stolen motorcycle*
DR. BANNER: Hey, it's convenient I found you all since I wasn't on the invisible UFO to hear the pep talk nor did I hear Tony's epiphany. What can I do to help?
IRON MAN: You can Hulk out and help us kick some alien butt when it comes through that otherworldly portal in a second.
DR. BANNER: It's also convenient that I learned how to control my Hulk rage just in the nick of time, so I'll get right on that. *Hulks out*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: OK, I'm in charge now because this movie has gone on way too long. Thor, go use your lightning to close the portal. But whatever you do, don't cross the streams.
THOR: You Earth people and your cultural references!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Iron Man, go fly around and say snarky things to distract the flying alien robot turtle snake. Archer Guy, go shoot things with your arrows of mass destruction. Hulk, smash. Doesn't matter what you smash, just smash stuff. Black Widow, open fire on stuff. I will stay on the ground and take out alien foot soldiers with my sweet gymnastics moves. GO TEAM!
***Hulk catches up with Loki in Stark Towers who starts monologuing***
LOKI: I am the witty whimsical demigod that moviegoers love for some reason! You can't harm me!
HULK: RARRRR! *beats the tar out of him, leaving him in a comical Loki-shaped crater on the floor*
LOKI: What was that for?
HULK: Hulk *finally* get decent big screen portrayal for first time EVER but Hulk get no screen time because stupid Loki hog the script with dumb monologues! That make Hulk mad! And when Hulk mad Hulk smash puny gods! RAARRRR!
***Meanwhile, atop the Stark Towers, Dr. Flannel Shirt --- despite not being hit in the head by Black Widow --- somehow wakes up and is blubbering to her about not being able to stop it***
BLACK WIDOW: It's cool, Dr. Flannel Shirt. You didn't know what you were doing.
DFS: Hey, wait, I think I *did* just figure out a way to close this alien portal.
IRON MAN: Hold that thought, everyone. I just got word that the villains from Superman 2 --- you know, the ones trapped in the glass hurtling through space --- have ordered that a nuclear missile be sent our way.
BLACK WIDOW: Really?
IRON MAN: Yeah. Pirate Samuel L. Jackson tried to stop them with a bazooka, but in the next shot his bazooka turned into a handgun, so he couldn't stop the pilot from taking off.
BLACK WIDOW: Huh?
IRON MAN: Anyways, I'm gonna catch this missile and throw it into space to blow up the mothership. That should stop everything.
BLACK WIDOW: There's a mothership? What?!
IRON MAN: No time. This movie has gone on way too long. Just let me blow stuff up!
***Tony Stark throws the missile at the mothership which causes all the alien soldiers to suddenly drop dead. He falls through space and is caught by the Hulk just before hitting the pavement. The Avengers assemble around him like the farmhands gathered around Dorothy at the end of "The Wizard of Oz"***
IRON MAN: Hey cool, I'm alive. And the alien invasion stopped.
THOR: And I'm gonna take my brother and the evil Rubik's cube back to Asgard.
IRON MAN: But first, let's go get some Greek food and stare awkwardly at each other while we eat.
THE AVENGERS: HUZZAH!
And they all go skipping off into the sunset together. FIN.
So there you have it, folks. The Avengers in a nutshell.
I don't know about you, but now I kinda want a sequel.
(Translation: I turned on Netflix and watched "The Avengers.")
Yes, that's right --- I had not seen that movie until last night. I made an attempt to watch it at an outdoor movie theater, but the sound was really bad and I was being eaten alive by mosquitos, so I gave up about 20 minutes in. I meant to see it. Really. I enjoy action movies (particularly of the superhero genre). And Joss Whedon is involved, and he's cool. So I was totally pumped and ready for some awesome.
What I wasn't ready for...was the disappointment.
That's right, y'all --- I didn't care for it. And it made me sad. I wanted to like it. I almost turned it off but I forced myself to finish it,
1) Because I'm stubborn like that, but more importantly
2) Because it was getting my creative juices going for the first time in ages.
As I was watching it and racking up a mental list of grievances --- the biggest of which was that it was too long --- I realized, "I could totally entertain myself by writing a summary of this movie which comments on some of my grievances."
So in the spirit of tomorrow's sacred holiday of Festivus, I have returned to my long forsaken blog to Air My Grievances about "The Avengers."
***lights go dim as the movie opens on a gloomy Top Secret Government Facility***
(Samuel L. Jackson enters dressed like a pirate from The Matrix universe.)
PIRATE SAMUEL L. JACKSON (PSJ): Dr. Flannel Shirt, what's going on with the Top Secret thing that we're working on?
DR. FLANNEL SHIRT (DFS): It's coming along. Scientific jargon mumbo jumbo Kelvin Celsius squared, pi.
PSJ: THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
DFS: Do you have any idea what I just said?
PSJ: HELL to the no, but it doesn't matter! I'm Pirate Samuel L. Jackson and I'm gonna shout and be obnoxious no matter what! Cue dramatic moment!
*The Top Secret Thing, an evil glowing Rubik's Cube, starts going bezerk opening a portal from another dimension. In strolls a funny looking guy.*
DFS: Are you Gozer?
Loki: No, it's Loki! Remember, I tried to destroy the world not too long ago. I'm back now.
PSJ: You'll never get our evil glowing Rubik's Cube!
Loki: Witty nonsensical comment, hahaha! I will *so* get what I want, because I have Jafar's mind control stick from Disney's "Aladdin!"
(Loki taps Dr. Flannel Shirt and Archer Guy with the stick who immediately become his lackeys. One of them guns PSJ down before they make their escape.)
PSJ (jumping up immediately and dusting himself off): Agent Robin Sherbatsky! Get in a Jeep and start chasing these dudes! I'm gonna go fly a chopper!
Agent Robin Sherbatsky: Got it, sir!
(Agent Robin starts chasing them in a Jeep while Pirate Samuel L. Jackson gets in a chopper and circles angrily around the base. Things blow up. Loki and company escape.)
PSJ: I'm tired of these mofo demigods getting away in mofo Jeeps! *shouts into communication device* Agent Agent! Call 'em in!
Agent Agent: Got it!
***We move to a group of angry Russians taunting the Black Widow while she's tied up in a chair***
ANGRY RUSSIAN: I kill you! But I'm saying that in Russian! (phone rings) Oh, it's for you!
BLACK WIDOW (into phone): Excuse me, I am busy trying to get information out of these scumbugs by looking sexy while tied up in a chair! Wait, what? OK, I'll be there ASAP.
***Black Widow proceeds to break free from her chair and clobber all the angry Russians who conveniently do not have any guns***
***We move to a swanky bachelor pad in Stark Towers***
PEPPER: Oooh, Tony Stark, you're such an awesome billionaire playboy!
(doorbell rings and Agent Agent barges in)
TONY STARK: Dangit, Agent Agent, can't you see Gwyneth Paltrow and I are trying to get it on?
AGENT AGENT: But it's important!
PEPPER: Well then, he'll go. I'll just sit here and drink all his wine.
***Somewhere in Brazil***
BLACK WIDOW: Dr. Banner, I've come alone to take you back to the US so you can help us defeat an evil Rubik's cube.
DR. BANNER: Um, okay.
BLACK WIDOW: OK, army of snipers waiting outside, stand down. He said yes.
DR. BANNER: Really?!
***Cut to scene of Captain America beating the living daylights out of a punching bag***
AGENT AGENT: Hey, Rogers, SHIELD needs you to come defeat this guy Loki.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Can I punch him? Because I really like punching things.
AGENT AGENT: Sure. Whatever floats your boat.
***Tony Stark, Rogers, Dr. Banner, and the Black Widow meet up on a boat***
PSJ: Ok, now that you're all here, we can get down to the business of getting down to business. LET"S GO!
***The boat turns into an invisible UFO for some stupid reason***
PSJ: All right team, we've brought you here to capture Loki and stop him from doing evil things with the Rubik's cube. Agent Robin Sherbatsky tells me we've found him, so let's go.
***Cut to scene of Loki in Germany forcing people to kneel before him***
LOKI: Ahaha! I'm a witty whimsical demigod and you will all bow before me! JAFAR STICK, help me zap this old guy who refuses to kneel!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: (after saving the old guy) Hey Loki! Hitler sucks and so do you!
BLACK WIDOW: (on helicopter loudspeaker) Surrender, Loki!
LOKI: No way! (puts up pathetic fight and is easily captured)
BLACK WIDOW: OK team, let's go home and lock up this criminal!
*thunder crashes and lightning flashes as Thor rushes in, punches Iron Man, grabs Loki, and rushes out*
IRON MAN: Seriously?! *jumps out of plane after them*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Hey, I can't fly, but I'm coming too! *also jumps out of plane*
THOR: Brother! Cease this nonsense and return with me to Asgard.
LOKI: No way! I'm the rightful king. And I like torturing Earthlings. More witty whimsical nonsense!
THOR: Brother! Don't make me summon my mighty hammer!
*Mighty hammer is summoned and fight begins --- ten years later, the fight is interrupted by Iron Man tackling Thor*
IRON MAN: Really, prettyboy? What makes you think you can take Loki from me? I'm the one who's going to take him in!
THOR: He should be given trial in Asgard! *flicks lustrous locks while summoning hammer*
***Iron Man and Thor duke it out for another decade until Captain America interrupts them***
CAPTAIN AMERICA: IDIOTS! Why are you two fighting?! Loki is probably long gone by now!
LOKI: Actually, I've been sitting here the whole time.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Really? Well, that was a freebie. I figured you would have taken advantage of them being distracted by their grudge match to escape.
LOKI: Huh. I never thought of that. *runs away*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Seriously, guys, break it up. But first, Thor, hit me with your hammer so I can show off my shield.
*Thor hits his shield causing a mighty FWOOM while Black Widow, watching from the helicopter, sighs and shakes her head*
***Back on the invisible UFO, the team discusses their predicament***
DR. BANNER: I've been tracking the gamma radiation patterns of the evil Rubik's cube. Based on the neurological transmitters emanating from the cross cerebral vortex in the perpendicular Pythageron's quadrant, Loki's thereom should isolate the hyperactive protoplasms long enough for me to harness the beta ray.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: What in blazes did you just say?
DR. BANNER: Enough scientific jibberish to make it seem like this movie has some substance and isn't just a shoot 'em up, blow things up, summer blockbuster.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Oh, okay.
BLACK WIDOW: (scowls)
IRON MAN: Hulk out, man, come on! Doesn't all that jibberish make you mad?
PSJ: Don't encourage him! We need his scientific jibberish to track down the evil Rubik's cube so the US military can use it to make nuclear weapons!
DR. BANNER: Seriously?! THAT'S why you want us to find it?
IRON MAN: Yeah! Doesn't that make you ANGRY, Banner? Like, rip off your shirt and turn green ANGRY?
DR. BANNER: No, it just makes me sad. I'm going to go sulk somewhere else in this UFO.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I hate you, Iron Man!
IRON MAN: And I hate you, Rogers! Let's take this outside!
(Meanwhile, Archer Guy shoots a single arrow into the invisible UFO which somehow causes its engines to blow.)
IRON MAN: Rogers, buddy! I need you outside to fix this engine.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: You've got it, bro! Start flying around the turbine while I fire a machine gun at all the guys that have somehow invaded the invisible UFO.
(Meanwhile, Dr. Banner has Hulked out and decided he wants to kill the Black Widow.)
BLACK WIDOW: Don't do this, Banner! I'm not the enemy!
HULK: Hulk say if others can get in pointless fights for no reason, so can Hulk! Besides, Hulk chasing you give audience chance to see you run in tight leather suit.
BLACK WIDOW: Yeah, this probably isn't the best outfit for crime fighting, huh? I mean, it highlights the fact that I'm smokin' hot but it's not very practical.
HULK: At least you have clothes! Fighting half naked make Hulk feel objectified which make Hulk MAD! Raaaaaarrr! *jumps off plane*
*Dr. Banner lands in a hay pile naked as a jaybird*
FARMER: Hey, naked dude that fell from the sky, are you okay?
DR. BANNER: Did I hurt anyone?
FARMER: I don't think so. You just fell from the sky naked and green, and I'm standing here calmly discussing it with you like it's the sort of thing that happens every day. Are you an alien?
DR. BANNER: No.
FARMER: Oh, okay. Then you should be able to wear these clothes that I just so happened to have in my hand. They should fit now that you've shrunk.
DR. BANNER: Cool, thanks. I need to get back to the invisible UFO now.
FARMER: Ok, non-alien naked guy. See you later!
***Back on the invisible UFO, the Black Widow just kicked Archer Guy's butt***
BLACK WIDOW: Archer Guy, since I hit you on the head, you're not possessed by Loki anymore.
ARCHER GUY: Cool. Was I possessed? I thought I was just hypnotized or something.
BLACK WIDOW: Whatever. I'm sexy so you should listen to me. Do you know where he is now?
ARCHER GUY: Um, I thought you had him.
BLACK WIDOW: Well, we did, but then Thor stole him, and then we got him again, but Thor charged at a hologram and got trapped, and now he's off doing God knows what.
ARCHER GUY: Thor is? Or Loki?
BLACK WIDOW: Both. Anyways, guy who just tried to kill us all, you could be a valuable ally. Will you join our highly dysfunctional team?
ARCHER GUY: Sure.
***Elsewhere, Agent Agent has been fatally shot by Loki***
PSJ: Don't you die on me, Agent Agent! Look into my eyes! Let my badass aura heal you!
AGENT AGENT: Nah, it's cool. I have to die to rally the troops. Nothing helps a ragtag bunch come together like the death of a good guy, but not a really important good guy, because that would just be too depressing. So anyways, I'm perfect for this cliche. I was born to die in an action movie.
***The team assembles where PSJ lectures them about Agent Agent***
PSJ: Yeah, so we lied to you all about wanting to make weaponry. But you know what else we wanted...and what our DEAD FRIEND wanted? For us to have an epic team. The Avengers initiative, we called it. So go out there and kick some butt.
(The Avengers all rush out ready to open up a can.)
AGENT ROBIN SHERBATSKY: Umm, you totally lied about Agent Agent's death to motivate them. That's not cool.
PSJ: Shut up, woman! I'm Samuel L. Jackson! AND I'm a pirate!
IRON MAN: Loki is almost as big of an egomaniac as I am. So he's gonna set up shop atop Stark Towers so he can see his name in lights.
*Dr. Banner comes riding up on a stolen motorcycle*
DR. BANNER: Hey, it's convenient I found you all since I wasn't on the invisible UFO to hear the pep talk nor did I hear Tony's epiphany. What can I do to help?
IRON MAN: You can Hulk out and help us kick some alien butt when it comes through that otherworldly portal in a second.
DR. BANNER: It's also convenient that I learned how to control my Hulk rage just in the nick of time, so I'll get right on that. *Hulks out*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: OK, I'm in charge now because this movie has gone on way too long. Thor, go use your lightning to close the portal. But whatever you do, don't cross the streams.
THOR: You Earth people and your cultural references!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Iron Man, go fly around and say snarky things to distract the flying alien robot turtle snake. Archer Guy, go shoot things with your arrows of mass destruction. Hulk, smash. Doesn't matter what you smash, just smash stuff. Black Widow, open fire on stuff. I will stay on the ground and take out alien foot soldiers with my sweet gymnastics moves. GO TEAM!
***Hulk catches up with Loki in Stark Towers who starts monologuing***
LOKI: I am the witty whimsical demigod that moviegoers love for some reason! You can't harm me!
HULK: RARRRR! *beats the tar out of him, leaving him in a comical Loki-shaped crater on the floor*
LOKI: What was that for?
HULK: Hulk *finally* get decent big screen portrayal for first time EVER but Hulk get no screen time because stupid Loki hog the script with dumb monologues! That make Hulk mad! And when Hulk mad Hulk smash puny gods! RAARRRR!
***Meanwhile, atop the Stark Towers, Dr. Flannel Shirt --- despite not being hit in the head by Black Widow --- somehow wakes up and is blubbering to her about not being able to stop it***
BLACK WIDOW: It's cool, Dr. Flannel Shirt. You didn't know what you were doing.
DFS: Hey, wait, I think I *did* just figure out a way to close this alien portal.
IRON MAN: Hold that thought, everyone. I just got word that the villains from Superman 2 --- you know, the ones trapped in the glass hurtling through space --- have ordered that a nuclear missile be sent our way.
BLACK WIDOW: Really?
IRON MAN: Yeah. Pirate Samuel L. Jackson tried to stop them with a bazooka, but in the next shot his bazooka turned into a handgun, so he couldn't stop the pilot from taking off.
BLACK WIDOW: Huh?
IRON MAN: Anyways, I'm gonna catch this missile and throw it into space to blow up the mothership. That should stop everything.
BLACK WIDOW: There's a mothership? What?!
IRON MAN: No time. This movie has gone on way too long. Just let me blow stuff up!
***Tony Stark throws the missile at the mothership which causes all the alien soldiers to suddenly drop dead. He falls through space and is caught by the Hulk just before hitting the pavement. The Avengers assemble around him like the farmhands gathered around Dorothy at the end of "The Wizard of Oz"***
IRON MAN: Hey cool, I'm alive. And the alien invasion stopped.
THOR: And I'm gonna take my brother and the evil Rubik's cube back to Asgard.
IRON MAN: But first, let's go get some Greek food and stare awkwardly at each other while we eat.
THE AVENGERS: HUZZAH!
And they all go skipping off into the sunset together. FIN.
So there you have it, folks. The Avengers in a nutshell.
I don't know about you, but now I kinda want a sequel.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
My alibi? I was getting my teeth cleaned...
Most people hate going to the dentist. At one time I may have been considered one of those people, as I once went eight years without so much as a cleaning. Will not make that mistake. It's not because I am suddenly a Mature Adult who finally realizes The Great Importance of Regular Dental Hygiene. Far from it, actually. No, going to my scheduled cleaning after work this evening was the highlight of my day.
Want to know why?
Because I got to lie back in a comfy chair and watch Unsolved Mysteries.
That is how much I miss that show, people. I was willing to endure scalpels, rinsing and spitting, and all sorts of awkwardness to watch it. Also, it was the new remake with Dennis Farina, so I didn't even get the full effect. But I was happy because IT WAS THE BOB BEAN EPISODE. And even though Dennis's narration can't hold a candle to Robert Stack's awesomeness, they still used the original footage. So I got to see Bob Bean and company in all their cheesy 80's bad soap opera-esque glory.
"I love this episode!" I squealed.
"What is it?" asked the hygienist.
"It's Unsolved Mysteries," I said. "This episode cracks me up...they're all pointing fingers at each other and it's just ridiculous...I can't explain it, but it's funny."
"Sounds interesting," he said as he tried to shove a scalpel and mirror in my mouth (except I wouldn't shut up). Despite having plaque scraped off my teeth and drool coming out my mouth, I was having a grand time, especially when the hygienist starting getting into the episode.
"That Bob Bean guy is a real snake, huh?"
"Unnh (yeah)!" was my reply.
"I'll bet he's the murderer," he said, dabbing the drool off my chin. "Is he?"
I wasn't planning to answer which is just as well because the scalpel and other dental tools prevented me from talking.
Danny (the creepy brother of the murder victim) and Pat (Bob Bean's ex wife and the murder victim's fiancee) started telling their stories which caused the hygienist to chime in with "Oh, I bet THEY did it!" only to be disappointed when their alibis cleared. He would ask my input from time to time on what I thought of the case.
"Urrgh," I said.
Then the update music played. "Hey, an update! Have you seen this update?" he asked. Dennis Farina explained who the killer of Sammy Wheeler really was and that he had been caught. "So...did Bob Bean hire a hitman, or what?"
"Mmrrrf!" I said, meaning "no, the FBI concluded it was a random act of violence which was their theory all along."
We continued watching the other cases and having meaningful dialogue about each one ("he did it?" "unnf!") until the cleaning was done. Then another staff member came in to schedule my next appointment. I'm not due back until April 2014. When I got home I looked on the calendar and saw that I have a college fair that night so tomorrow morning I'm going to have to call and reschedule.
I'll have to make sure I schedule for when Unsolved Mysteries is on.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Robert Stack is the new chicken noodle!
Today at work I found myself starting to feel cruddy. My throat has been sore off and on the past few days. This morning it started feeling irritated and my head felt stuffy. I've been around a lot of germs lately so I figured I'm just coming down with whatever is going around. I decided to cancel my plans for the evening, invest in some spicy food for dinner, and just chill.
And I found myself really wishing that I could watch "Unsolved Mysteries."
File this under the Many Mysteries of The Scooter --- I *love* watching "Unsolved Mysteries" when I'm sick. LOVE it. A few years ago I had the flu and was stuck in my apartment almost two weeks. I would grab my laptop and watch "Unsolved Mysteries" on YouTube, nap, watch some more, eat some soup, lather, rinse, repeat. I have fond memories of being up at 3 AM, unable to sleep, passing the time by watching old episodes.
Yes, you read that correctly. I am being nostalgic about being up all night WITH THE FLU watching this show.
Weird, right?
And if all of that wasn't enough, lemme add another layer to this puzzle. I hate scary movies. Hate them. Why? Because...well, they scare me. I don't like to be scared. A couple years ago I had my first haunted house experience. I was 27 years old at the time and had never been to a haunted house. This particular one was picked because I have friends that work there. So I figured it would just be fun, right? Oh no.
"I need to hold your hand RIGHT NOW!" I shrieked to my DMC (Designated Male Companion) as soon as the gates of the haunted house were opened. And hold his hand I did all the way through the incredibly cheesy haunted forest. A few months later this same DMC and I went to see "The Woman in Black," a pretty tame scary movie as far as the horror genre goes. Did that matter to this wuss? Of course not. I jumped out of my seat every time the stupid crow squawked (which was a lot).
"Relax, it's just a crow," said DMC.
"I hate you!" I whispered back, harshly. "You know that, right?"
Yes, crows and cheesy gimmicks scare me, but real life tales of murder and crime do not. Go figure.
No, I see Robert Stack in that trench coat, walking down a foggy alley to the beat of that creepy music, and I am in heaven.
I've tried to figure out why this is. My thoughts are that "Unsolved Mysteries" is productive-scary...they're showing you all these murder reenactments so they can catch some bad guys. Scary movies are just...well, scary for the sake of scary. One could argue that they're "productive-scary" in a different way...like in the "I want to get cozy with this guy or girl so I think I'll just have them watch this movie to scare the #$%! out of them so I don't seem like a creeper when I go in for the cuddle." I suppose that's a valid argument and a potentially effective dating strategy. Personally, if any suitors of mine are reading this, I'd rather you just go for it and hold my hand without making me feel the need to wet myself first, thank you.
My other theory is that "Unsolved Mysteries" is just so old that a lot of episodes are dripping with 80's cheesiness, and it's entertaining. Another possibility is that since most of the episodes are so old many of the cases are solved by now (even if they weren't during the show's original run). I know the *only* reason I can stomach watching the satanic arson episode is because it was solved. Otherwise it would just scare the #$%! out of me completely.
The most likely theory, however, is that I'm just weird. I'm weird and that's why I like watching "Unsolved Mysteries" when I'm sick (even though I don't like horror movies). I can live with that.
Now if only I could find some UM episodes...I've really gotta kick this bug....
And I found myself really wishing that I could watch "Unsolved Mysteries."
File this under the Many Mysteries of The Scooter --- I *love* watching "Unsolved Mysteries" when I'm sick. LOVE it. A few years ago I had the flu and was stuck in my apartment almost two weeks. I would grab my laptop and watch "Unsolved Mysteries" on YouTube, nap, watch some more, eat some soup, lather, rinse, repeat. I have fond memories of being up at 3 AM, unable to sleep, passing the time by watching old episodes.
Yes, you read that correctly. I am being nostalgic about being up all night WITH THE FLU watching this show.
Weird, right?
And if all of that wasn't enough, lemme add another layer to this puzzle. I hate scary movies. Hate them. Why? Because...well, they scare me. I don't like to be scared. A couple years ago I had my first haunted house experience. I was 27 years old at the time and had never been to a haunted house. This particular one was picked because I have friends that work there. So I figured it would just be fun, right? Oh no.
"I need to hold your hand RIGHT NOW!" I shrieked to my DMC (Designated Male Companion) as soon as the gates of the haunted house were opened. And hold his hand I did all the way through the incredibly cheesy haunted forest. A few months later this same DMC and I went to see "The Woman in Black," a pretty tame scary movie as far as the horror genre goes. Did that matter to this wuss? Of course not. I jumped out of my seat every time the stupid crow squawked (which was a lot).
"Relax, it's just a crow," said DMC.
"I hate you!" I whispered back, harshly. "You know that, right?"
Yes, crows and cheesy gimmicks scare me, but real life tales of murder and crime do not. Go figure.
No, I see Robert Stack in that trench coat, walking down a foggy alley to the beat of that creepy music, and I am in heaven.
I've tried to figure out why this is. My thoughts are that "Unsolved Mysteries" is productive-scary...they're showing you all these murder reenactments so they can catch some bad guys. Scary movies are just...well, scary for the sake of scary. One could argue that they're "productive-scary" in a different way...like in the "I want to get cozy with this guy or girl so I think I'll just have them watch this movie to scare the #$%! out of them so I don't seem like a creeper when I go in for the cuddle." I suppose that's a valid argument and a potentially effective dating strategy. Personally, if any suitors of mine are reading this, I'd rather you just go for it and hold my hand without making me feel the need to wet myself first, thank you.
My other theory is that "Unsolved Mysteries" is just so old that a lot of episodes are dripping with 80's cheesiness, and it's entertaining. Another possibility is that since most of the episodes are so old many of the cases are solved by now (even if they weren't during the show's original run). I know the *only* reason I can stomach watching the satanic arson episode is because it was solved. Otherwise it would just scare the #$%! out of me completely.
The most likely theory, however, is that I'm just weird. I'm weird and that's why I like watching "Unsolved Mysteries" when I'm sick (even though I don't like horror movies). I can live with that.
Now if only I could find some UM episodes...I've really gotta kick this bug....
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Writer's Block, O How I Loathe Thee...
*waves* Hi readers.
So...I really want to write something here. But I have no idea what to write. It sucks.
I prepared a file of writing ideas that have come to me o'er time for just such an occasion. But here in this moment...I've still got nothing.
But is that stopping me? Of course not. That's the beauty of blogging. Anybody can get online and write any kind of crap they want and publish it whenever they want, and boom! There it is.
Anyways...I was really hoping something would magically come to me just because I started typing. No such luck. I'm too tired, I guess.
I will say that I feel better for trying. I've really been slacking off on this whole writing thing.
So...what should I write about? What would y'all like to read? Leave me some love and let me know! ;)
So...I really want to write something here. But I have no idea what to write. It sucks.
I prepared a file of writing ideas that have come to me o'er time for just such an occasion. But here in this moment...I've still got nothing.
But is that stopping me? Of course not. That's the beauty of blogging. Anybody can get online and write any kind of crap they want and publish it whenever they want, and boom! There it is.
Anyways...I was really hoping something would magically come to me just because I started typing. No such luck. I'm too tired, I guess.
I will say that I feel better for trying. I've really been slacking off on this whole writing thing.
So...what should I write about? What would y'all like to read? Leave me some love and let me know! ;)
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Beware the bridesmaids!
So last night Speedy, Squeaky, and I were lamenting the demise of Xanga...which got us talking about how stupid our blog entries in college were...which got me thinking about said blog entries. I seem to recall that I had a habit of just posting funny things that people said or in some cases entire transcripts of funny conversations that we had. So in the spirit of honoring Xanga/paying tribute to our college selves, I give you a transcript of Last Night's Conversation:
ME (to Katie): When I get married, I want you to be in charge of cake distribution and crowd management.
SPEEDY: YES! I get to be the wedding bouncer!
ME: That's right. I'm gonna give you a microphone so you can tell everyone, "okay, you've got five minutes to eat cake and get out. Leave your gifts at the door."
SPEEDY: Well, I'd probably give them more than five minutes. People have to eat the cake and they'll probably want to socialize a bit since a lot of people won't be able to go to the temple and all.
ME: Let me explain something to you about my people (Mormons). When it comes to time, you have to lie to us. It's not just about being late. Telling them five minutes will get everyone cleared out in like half an hour. It's perfect.
SQUEAKY: So maybe we should say two minutes so they'll be out in half the time.
ME: No, we'd better stick with five. See, you gotta at least pretend to be subtle about the lie. If it's just two minutes, they'll see through that as an attempt to get them to leave and they'll revolt. Five minutes is more believable. Now Cap'n, I want you to be in charge of decoration and be an assistant to the bouncer.
SQUEAKY: Can I have a Super Soaker full of coffee to spray at people?
ME: Oooh, coffee. That would scare the crap out of a lot of Mormonfolk!
SQUEAKY: I will keep it hidden behind a crucifix on the wall so when trouble strikes I can grab it and rush into action.
ME: Umm...well, that could work, except you wouldn't find a crucifix at a Mormon church. You'd have to hide it behind like...a painting of Joseph Smith or something.
SQUEAKY: No, it could still work. See, I'll be praying for you while you're in the temple, so whatever church I'm at I'll hide it behind their crucifix.
ME: See, that's all the more reason why I should get married in the Nauvoo temple, because Saints Peter and Paul Catholic church is right next door, so that would be really convenient for you.
SQUEAKY: YES!
ME: Wait...we don't have any paintings of Joseph Smith hanging up. And the reception wouldn't be at the Nauvoo temple, so maybe that wouldn't work. But I'm sure it would be around the corner or something. Maybe we should just have it hidden somewhere in the church with a sign that says "in case of the need to squirt someone with coffee, break glass."
(thinks)
What could Emily do at my wedding? (thinks) She could be assistant to Jessie when it comes to decorating, and she will be in charge of sewing. Anything that needs to be sewn, that's all Emily.
Sorry I've neglected the blog for so long. I will write more, good readers! Promise!
Monday, February 4, 2013
Hell Hath No Fury Like A Litterbox
So...I've always been a churchgoing Christian girl. Consequently, I've heard many a sermon about hell. Not to brag, but the descriptions of hell in the Bible never scared me. Maybe it was because I just couldn't grasp it, maybe because I'd like to think I'm on a path to heaven...whatever the case, fire and brimstone threats just didn't work.
But after tonight, I think I've experienced hell. And the portal to hell is called Yesterday's News.
Let me explain. Our household recently adopted a male cat. We've had plenty of cats, but always female. Last week Gus went to the vet for The Surgeries --- losing the claws, losing the manhood, the whole package deal.
When cats are declawed, for the first couple of weeks after the surgery they have to use a special kind of litter which is essentially rolled up, compacted bits of newspaper --- hence the brand name Yesterday's News. Regular litter could get caught in their still healing wounds and get infected.
The down side to the paper stuff is that it does not clump and consequently does not have odor protection. So frequent scooping is a must.
"Not a problem," I thought initially. "A nuisance, but not a problem." Scooping up poop several times a day was not fun, but it was worth it to have a sweet, cuddly kitty whose hugs can no longer injure me.
But then he had to pee...
Cat pee is already one of the worst smells in the universe. But the pee of a neutered cat is infinitely worse because all the hormones running amok...or something...I'm not good explaining these things. The point is, it is a smell that makes you wish for death. Not kidding.
I notice it when I come home from work and try to scoop it out. No easy task since it doesn't clump. I sift through the litter box, periodically bringing scoop fulls up to my nose for a good whiff so I can identify the offending scoop. Still nothing. Eventually I find an area that looks more wet than others. I scoop it, toss it in a bag, throw the bag in the garage, and retreat to the shower, foolishly thinking my ordeal was over.
It wasn't.
The smell was still there, and it was getting stronger. So I enlisted the help of my brother to dump out the entire box of litter to try and purge the smell. Still there. I have him rinse it out while I sweep the floors. Still there. I run to the shower with the empty box in hand, dump what looks like half a bottle of liquid soap in there, and scrub, scrub, scrub. The showerhead is on full blast; the room is filling with steam from the ridiculously hot water; I am losing it.
"And lo, hell is place of cat pee, and where the sinner must suffer an endless torment cleaning the litter of the cats of Satan (who have just returned from the Styx veterinary clinic). And lo, the sinner wails, and weeps, and nashes the teeth, but it is to no avail."
Finally, it seems I may get some relief. But then I carry it back to my room (which I have aired out a little) and...
THE SMELL IS STILL THERE.
"It's still there! It's still there!" I start screaming. (Seriously, I was saying this out loud.) I start throwing out some laundry on the floor, sniffing the bed, wondering if he peed on it.
As I've typed this post, the smell has gotten better...though now my head hurts. I realize perhaps I was being a bit overdramatic...though maybe I'm not.
You know what the worst part is?
I know that as soon as the smell finally leaves, Gus will come...probably in the middle of the night...and pee in the fresh clean litterbox...and I will be in hell ALL. OVER. AGAIN.
So if there are any preachers or parents or what have you reading this who would like to scare kids into submission, skip the firey lakes and endless woe. Just tell them they'll have to spend eternity with an army of neutered cats. That'll scare the piss out of them guaranteed.
And oh yes, that pun was intended.
But after tonight, I think I've experienced hell. And the portal to hell is called Yesterday's News.
Let me explain. Our household recently adopted a male cat. We've had plenty of cats, but always female. Last week Gus went to the vet for The Surgeries --- losing the claws, losing the manhood, the whole package deal.
When cats are declawed, for the first couple of weeks after the surgery they have to use a special kind of litter which is essentially rolled up, compacted bits of newspaper --- hence the brand name Yesterday's News. Regular litter could get caught in their still healing wounds and get infected.
The down side to the paper stuff is that it does not clump and consequently does not have odor protection. So frequent scooping is a must.
"Not a problem," I thought initially. "A nuisance, but not a problem." Scooping up poop several times a day was not fun, but it was worth it to have a sweet, cuddly kitty whose hugs can no longer injure me.
But then he had to pee...
Cat pee is already one of the worst smells in the universe. But the pee of a neutered cat is infinitely worse because all the hormones running amok...or something...I'm not good explaining these things. The point is, it is a smell that makes you wish for death. Not kidding.
I notice it when I come home from work and try to scoop it out. No easy task since it doesn't clump. I sift through the litter box, periodically bringing scoop fulls up to my nose for a good whiff so I can identify the offending scoop. Still nothing. Eventually I find an area that looks more wet than others. I scoop it, toss it in a bag, throw the bag in the garage, and retreat to the shower, foolishly thinking my ordeal was over.
It wasn't.
The smell was still there, and it was getting stronger. So I enlisted the help of my brother to dump out the entire box of litter to try and purge the smell. Still there. I have him rinse it out while I sweep the floors. Still there. I run to the shower with the empty box in hand, dump what looks like half a bottle of liquid soap in there, and scrub, scrub, scrub. The showerhead is on full blast; the room is filling with steam from the ridiculously hot water; I am losing it.
"And lo, hell is place of cat pee, and where the sinner must suffer an endless torment cleaning the litter of the cats of Satan (who have just returned from the Styx veterinary clinic). And lo, the sinner wails, and weeps, and nashes the teeth, but it is to no avail."
Finally, it seems I may get some relief. But then I carry it back to my room (which I have aired out a little) and...
THE SMELL IS STILL THERE.
"It's still there! It's still there!" I start screaming. (Seriously, I was saying this out loud.) I start throwing out some laundry on the floor, sniffing the bed, wondering if he peed on it.
As I've typed this post, the smell has gotten better...though now my head hurts. I realize perhaps I was being a bit overdramatic...though maybe I'm not.
You know what the worst part is?
I know that as soon as the smell finally leaves, Gus will come...probably in the middle of the night...and pee in the fresh clean litterbox...and I will be in hell ALL. OVER. AGAIN.
So if there are any preachers or parents or what have you reading this who would like to scare kids into submission, skip the firey lakes and endless woe. Just tell them they'll have to spend eternity with an army of neutered cats. That'll scare the piss out of them guaranteed.
And oh yes, that pun was intended.
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