So yesterday I totally kicked butt. Half a dozen loads of laundry, installed a tap light, washed dishes, cleaned apartment --- I *owned* my To Do list. When evening rolled around I was feeling the need to celebrate my awesomeness, and I decided to do so by parking my butt on the couch and watching other people kick butt.
(Translation: I turned on Netflix and watched "The Avengers.")
Yes, that's right --- I had not seen that movie until last night. I made an attempt to watch it at an outdoor movie theater, but the sound was really bad and I was being eaten alive by mosquitos, so I gave up about 20 minutes in. I meant to see it. Really. I enjoy action movies (particularly of the superhero genre). And Joss Whedon is involved, and he's cool. So I was totally pumped and ready for some awesome.
What I wasn't ready for...was the disappointment.
That's right, y'all --- I didn't care for it. And it made me sad. I wanted to like it. I almost turned it off but I forced myself to finish it,
1) Because I'm stubborn like that, but more importantly
2) Because it was getting my creative juices going for the first time in ages.
As I was watching it and racking up a mental list of grievances --- the biggest of which was that it was too long --- I realized, "I could totally entertain myself by writing a summary of this movie which comments on some of my grievances."
So in the spirit of tomorrow's sacred holiday of Festivus, I have returned to my long forsaken blog to Air My Grievances about "The Avengers."
***lights go dim as the movie opens on a gloomy Top Secret Government Facility***
(Samuel L. Jackson enters dressed like a pirate from The Matrix universe.)
PIRATE SAMUEL L. JACKSON (PSJ): Dr. Flannel Shirt, what's going on with the Top Secret thing that we're working on?
DR. FLANNEL SHIRT (DFS): It's coming along. Scientific jargon mumbo jumbo Kelvin Celsius squared, pi.
PSJ: THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
DFS: Do you have any idea what I just said?
PSJ: HELL to the no, but it doesn't matter! I'm Pirate Samuel L. Jackson and I'm gonna shout and be obnoxious no matter what! Cue dramatic moment!
*The Top Secret Thing, an evil glowing Rubik's Cube, starts going bezerk opening a portal from another dimension. In strolls a funny looking guy.*
DFS: Are you Gozer?
Loki: No, it's Loki! Remember, I tried to destroy the world not too long ago. I'm back now.
PSJ: You'll never get our evil glowing Rubik's Cube!
Loki: Witty nonsensical comment, hahaha! I will *so* get what I want, because I have Jafar's mind control stick from Disney's "Aladdin!"
(Loki taps Dr. Flannel Shirt and Archer Guy with the stick who immediately become his lackeys. One of them guns PSJ down before they make their escape.)
PSJ (jumping up immediately and dusting himself off): Agent Robin Sherbatsky! Get in a Jeep and start chasing these dudes! I'm gonna go fly a chopper!
Agent Robin Sherbatsky: Got it, sir!
(Agent Robin starts chasing them in a Jeep while Pirate Samuel L. Jackson gets in a chopper and circles angrily around the base. Things blow up. Loki and company escape.)
PSJ: I'm tired of these mofo demigods getting away in mofo Jeeps! *shouts into communication device* Agent Agent! Call 'em in!
Agent Agent: Got it!
***We move to a group of angry Russians taunting the Black Widow while she's tied up in a chair***
ANGRY RUSSIAN: I kill you! But I'm saying that in Russian! (phone rings) Oh, it's for you!
BLACK WIDOW (into phone): Excuse me, I am busy trying to get information out of these scumbugs by looking sexy while tied up in a chair! Wait, what? OK, I'll be there ASAP.
***Black Widow proceeds to break free from her chair and clobber all the angry Russians who conveniently do not have any guns***
***We move to a swanky bachelor pad in Stark Towers***
PEPPER: Oooh, Tony Stark, you're such an awesome billionaire playboy!
(doorbell rings and Agent Agent barges in)
TONY STARK: Dangit, Agent Agent, can't you see Gwyneth Paltrow and I are trying to get it on?
AGENT AGENT: But it's important!
PEPPER: Well then, he'll go. I'll just sit here and drink all his wine.
***Somewhere in Brazil***
BLACK WIDOW: Dr. Banner, I've come alone to take you back to the US so you can help us defeat an evil Rubik's cube.
DR. BANNER: Um, okay.
BLACK WIDOW: OK, army of snipers waiting outside, stand down. He said yes.
DR. BANNER: Really?!
***Cut to scene of Captain America beating the living daylights out of a punching bag***
AGENT AGENT: Hey, Rogers, SHIELD needs you to come defeat this guy Loki.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Can I punch him? Because I really like punching things.
AGENT AGENT: Sure. Whatever floats your boat.
***Tony Stark, Rogers, Dr. Banner, and the Black Widow meet up on a boat***
PSJ: Ok, now that you're all here, we can get down to the business of getting down to business. LET"S GO!
***The boat turns into an invisible UFO for some stupid reason***
PSJ: All right team, we've brought you here to capture Loki and stop him from doing evil things with the Rubik's cube. Agent Robin Sherbatsky tells me we've found him, so let's go.
***Cut to scene of Loki in Germany forcing people to kneel before him***
LOKI: Ahaha! I'm a witty whimsical demigod and you will all bow before me! JAFAR STICK, help me zap this old guy who refuses to kneel!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: (after saving the old guy) Hey Loki! Hitler sucks and so do you!
BLACK WIDOW: (on helicopter loudspeaker) Surrender, Loki!
LOKI: No way! (puts up pathetic fight and is easily captured)
BLACK WIDOW: OK team, let's go home and lock up this criminal!
*thunder crashes and lightning flashes as Thor rushes in, punches Iron Man, grabs Loki, and rushes out*
IRON MAN: Seriously?! *jumps out of plane after them*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Hey, I can't fly, but I'm coming too! *also jumps out of plane*
THOR: Brother! Cease this nonsense and return with me to Asgard.
LOKI: No way! I'm the rightful king. And I like torturing Earthlings. More witty whimsical nonsense!
THOR: Brother! Don't make me summon my mighty hammer!
*Mighty hammer is summoned and fight begins --- ten years later, the fight is interrupted by Iron Man tackling Thor*
IRON MAN: Really, prettyboy? What makes you think you can take Loki from me? I'm the one who's going to take him in!
THOR: He should be given trial in Asgard! *flicks lustrous locks while summoning hammer*
***Iron Man and Thor duke it out for another decade until Captain America interrupts them***
CAPTAIN AMERICA: IDIOTS! Why are you two fighting?! Loki is probably long gone by now!
LOKI: Actually, I've been sitting here the whole time.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Really? Well, that was a freebie. I figured you would have taken advantage of them being distracted by their grudge match to escape.
LOKI: Huh. I never thought of that. *runs away*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Seriously, guys, break it up. But first, Thor, hit me with your hammer so I can show off my shield.
*Thor hits his shield causing a mighty FWOOM while Black Widow, watching from the helicopter, sighs and shakes her head*
***Back on the invisible UFO, the team discusses their predicament***
DR. BANNER: I've been tracking the gamma radiation patterns of the evil Rubik's cube. Based on the neurological transmitters emanating from the cross cerebral vortex in the perpendicular Pythageron's quadrant, Loki's thereom should isolate the hyperactive protoplasms long enough for me to harness the beta ray.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: What in blazes did you just say?
DR. BANNER: Enough scientific jibberish to make it seem like this movie has some substance and isn't just a shoot 'em up, blow things up, summer blockbuster.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Oh, okay.
BLACK WIDOW: (scowls)
IRON MAN: Hulk out, man, come on! Doesn't all that jibberish make you mad?
PSJ: Don't encourage him! We need his scientific jibberish to track down the evil Rubik's cube so the US military can use it to make nuclear weapons!
DR. BANNER: Seriously?! THAT'S why you want us to find it?
IRON MAN: Yeah! Doesn't that make you ANGRY, Banner? Like, rip off your shirt and turn green ANGRY?
DR. BANNER: No, it just makes me sad. I'm going to go sulk somewhere else in this UFO.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I hate you, Iron Man!
IRON MAN: And I hate you, Rogers! Let's take this outside!
(Meanwhile, Archer Guy shoots a single arrow into the invisible UFO which somehow causes its engines to blow.)
IRON MAN: Rogers, buddy! I need you outside to fix this engine.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: You've got it, bro! Start flying around the turbine while I fire a machine gun at all the guys that have somehow invaded the invisible UFO.
(Meanwhile, Dr. Banner has Hulked out and decided he wants to kill the Black Widow.)
BLACK WIDOW: Don't do this, Banner! I'm not the enemy!
HULK: Hulk say if others can get in pointless fights for no reason, so can Hulk! Besides, Hulk chasing you give audience chance to see you run in tight leather suit.
BLACK WIDOW: Yeah, this probably isn't the best outfit for crime fighting, huh? I mean, it highlights the fact that I'm smokin' hot but it's not very practical.
HULK: At least you have clothes! Fighting half naked make Hulk feel objectified which make Hulk MAD! Raaaaaarrr! *jumps off plane*
*Dr. Banner lands in a hay pile naked as a jaybird*
FARMER: Hey, naked dude that fell from the sky, are you okay?
DR. BANNER: Did I hurt anyone?
FARMER: I don't think so. You just fell from the sky naked and green, and I'm standing here calmly discussing it with you like it's the sort of thing that happens every day. Are you an alien?
DR. BANNER: No.
FARMER: Oh, okay. Then you should be able to wear these clothes that I just so happened to have in my hand. They should fit now that you've shrunk.
DR. BANNER: Cool, thanks. I need to get back to the invisible UFO now.
FARMER: Ok, non-alien naked guy. See you later!
***Back on the invisible UFO, the Black Widow just kicked Archer Guy's butt***
BLACK WIDOW: Archer Guy, since I hit you on the head, you're not possessed by Loki anymore.
ARCHER GUY: Cool. Was I possessed? I thought I was just hypnotized or something.
BLACK WIDOW: Whatever. I'm sexy so you should listen to me. Do you know where he is now?
ARCHER GUY: Um, I thought you had him.
BLACK WIDOW: Well, we did, but then Thor stole him, and then we got him again, but Thor charged at a hologram and got trapped, and now he's off doing God knows what.
ARCHER GUY: Thor is? Or Loki?
BLACK WIDOW: Both. Anyways, guy who just tried to kill us all, you could be a valuable ally. Will you join our highly dysfunctional team?
ARCHER GUY: Sure.
***Elsewhere, Agent Agent has been fatally shot by Loki***
PSJ: Don't you die on me, Agent Agent! Look into my eyes! Let my badass aura heal you!
AGENT AGENT: Nah, it's cool. I have to die to rally the troops. Nothing helps a ragtag bunch come together like the death of a good guy, but not a really important good guy, because that would just be too depressing. So anyways, I'm perfect for this cliche. I was born to die in an action movie.
***The team assembles where PSJ lectures them about Agent Agent***
PSJ: Yeah, so we lied to you all about wanting to make weaponry. But you know what else we wanted...and what our DEAD FRIEND wanted? For us to have an epic team. The Avengers initiative, we called it. So go out there and kick some butt.
(The Avengers all rush out ready to open up a can.)
AGENT ROBIN SHERBATSKY: Umm, you totally lied about Agent Agent's death to motivate them. That's not cool.
PSJ: Shut up, woman! I'm Samuel L. Jackson! AND I'm a pirate!
IRON MAN: Loki is almost as big of an egomaniac as I am. So he's gonna set up shop atop Stark Towers so he can see his name in lights.
*Dr. Banner comes riding up on a stolen motorcycle*
DR. BANNER: Hey, it's convenient I found you all since I wasn't on the invisible UFO to hear the pep talk nor did I hear Tony's epiphany. What can I do to help?
IRON MAN: You can Hulk out and help us kick some alien butt when it comes through that otherworldly portal in a second.
DR. BANNER: It's also convenient that I learned how to control my Hulk rage just in the nick of time, so I'll get right on that. *Hulks out*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: OK, I'm in charge now because this movie has gone on way too long. Thor, go use your lightning to close the portal. But whatever you do, don't cross the streams.
THOR: You Earth people and your cultural references!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Iron Man, go fly around and say snarky things to distract the flying alien robot turtle snake. Archer Guy, go shoot things with your arrows of mass destruction. Hulk, smash. Doesn't matter what you smash, just smash stuff. Black Widow, open fire on stuff. I will stay on the ground and take out alien foot soldiers with my sweet gymnastics moves. GO TEAM!
***Hulk catches up with Loki in Stark Towers who starts monologuing***
LOKI: I am the witty whimsical demigod that moviegoers love for some reason! You can't harm me!
HULK: RARRRR! *beats the tar out of him, leaving him in a comical Loki-shaped crater on the floor*
LOKI: What was that for?
HULK: Hulk *finally* get decent big screen portrayal for first time EVER but Hulk get no screen time because stupid Loki hog the script with dumb monologues! That make Hulk mad! And when Hulk mad Hulk smash puny gods! RAARRRR!
***Meanwhile, atop the Stark Towers, Dr. Flannel Shirt --- despite not being hit in the head by Black Widow --- somehow wakes up and is blubbering to her about not being able to stop it***
BLACK WIDOW: It's cool, Dr. Flannel Shirt. You didn't know what you were doing.
DFS: Hey, wait, I think I *did* just figure out a way to close this alien portal.
IRON MAN: Hold that thought, everyone. I just got word that the villains from Superman 2 --- you know, the ones trapped in the glass hurtling through space --- have ordered that a nuclear missile be sent our way.
BLACK WIDOW: Really?
IRON MAN: Yeah. Pirate Samuel L. Jackson tried to stop them with a bazooka, but in the next shot his bazooka turned into a handgun, so he couldn't stop the pilot from taking off.
BLACK WIDOW: Huh?
IRON MAN: Anyways, I'm gonna catch this missile and throw it into space to blow up the mothership. That should stop everything.
BLACK WIDOW: There's a mothership? What?!
IRON MAN: No time. This movie has gone on way too long. Just let me blow stuff up!
***Tony Stark throws the missile at the mothership which causes all the alien soldiers to suddenly drop dead. He falls through space and is caught by the Hulk just before hitting the pavement. The Avengers assemble around him like the farmhands gathered around Dorothy at the end of "The Wizard of Oz"***
IRON MAN: Hey cool, I'm alive. And the alien invasion stopped.
THOR: And I'm gonna take my brother and the evil Rubik's cube back to Asgard.
IRON MAN: But first, let's go get some Greek food and stare awkwardly at each other while we eat.
THE AVENGERS: HUZZAH!
And they all go skipping off into the sunset together. FIN.
So there you have it, folks. The Avengers in a nutshell.
I don't know about you, but now I kinda want a sequel.
No comments:
Post a Comment